May Day Jokes
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"
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"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his friend Joe. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Joe. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK
AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER
The boy excitedly claps his hands, then pauses and asks his mother, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's the elephant's trunk, dear."
"No," said the boy, "on the other end. What's that?"
"Oh," said the mother, "that's the elephant's tail."
"No, not his tail. What's that underneath?"
The mother blushes furiously and says, "Umm, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Just then, the father returns with the drinks and snacks and the mother goes off to compose herself.
The boy then asks his father the same question, hoping for a more satisfactory answer, "Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what the elephant's trunk is, and I know what the elephant's tail is!" exclaims the boy. "What's that down there underneath?"
The father takes a breath, and calmly explains, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"Oh," says the boy. He thinks for a few seconds, then asks, "Dad, when I asked mom, how come she said it was nothing?"
The father grins and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in”.
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred
bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a
hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got
to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see
the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives
Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the
table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird
friend Chris came over”.
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?"
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blond says, "Well? what's up?"
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Bartender says, "Big deal, talking animals. We've had talking horses, dogs, fish, birds...get out of here with your stupid octopus."
Guy says, "Wait, my octopus can play any instrument like a virtuoso!".
Bartender points to piano, says "Let's see him do something on the keyboard."
Octopus goes over to piano, starts playing with eight arms, sounds like four concert pianists jamming. Bartender yells over to live band, to bring over a guitar. Octopus plays incredible music, sounds like three guitar masters playing. Bartender says, give him a trumpet, octopus plays jazz with blinding fury over six octave range.
Scotsman over in the corner says "'Wait just a wee minute, let's us see 'im do somethin' wi' me bagpipes". Scotsman hands over his pipes to the octopus.
Octopus coils and flops and grabs all over the bagpipes, nothing coming out but occasional off-key honks and burps and toots.
Bartender says "Haha, look at him flounder! He doesn't know how to play those!".
Octopus looks up from his struggles and says "Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"