Saturday Night Jokes

Taxi drivers

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."

The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!"

After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?."

She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers

John and Smith entered a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking, Smith steals 3 chocolate bars.

After leaving the store,

Smith says to John: "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me, u cant beat that".

John replies: "You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and John says to the Shop keeper:

"Do you want to see magic?" Shop keeper replies:"Yes."

John says: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he eats it.

He asks for the second, and he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes that one too.

The shop keeper asks: "But where's the magic?"

John replies: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them

Oh no !!

Poor guy.

I'm not saying we should kill all stupid people. Let's just take the warning labels off everything and let the problem work itself out.

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We could avoid the whole zombie apocalypse thing if we just buried people with their shoe laces tied together.

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A white woman went on a date with a black man... She took him home and said. "So you going to show me if it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

LOL - the chocolate one was clever.

At first didn't get the one about the garage but got-it after thinking about-it for a few seconds.

Thanks for the laughs

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" she does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here boy!" she replies.

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An Italian tourist asks a blonde : "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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A blonde is in the bathroom and her boyfriend shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" she answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 12 years old. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room, it's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.

I was watching a film with my son the other day. He said "Dad, I'm scared, is that woman going to die?"

I said "Probably son, judging by the size of that horse's cock..."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Today was a really bad day... First, my wife got run over by a bus. Next, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

LOL

LOL - that's one smart parrot

Lmfao... great jokes

I agree

Thanks. But John and Smith don't work as the names of two different people.

LOL Blonde jokes never go out of style

A friend told the blonde : "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

The only cow in a small town in northern New YorkState stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canada, just across the border, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Canada and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Canada?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Canada?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Canada."

A guy spots this drop-dead gorgeous woman at the hotel bar and decides to chat her up a bit. So he slides in the seat next to her and says, "What's your name?" "Angela Benz," she replied. "Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" he asked. "Why yes," she replied, "As a matter of fact a close one." "Oh really?" he asked, "How close?" "Same price."

My next door neighbour Jim knocked on my door at 3 o'clock this morning. Luckily, I was still up, playing my drums.

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If I'm ever on life-support, unplug me and plug me back in again. See if that works.

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I once got a steak that was so rare, it started eating my salad.

Little Johnny heard the big kids use a couple of words he didn't know. So he asked his dad what "pussy" and "bitch" meant. "That's easy," said his dad and pulled out a Playboy magazine and opened it to the centerfold. Drawing a circle around the pubic area, dad said, "Everything inside the circle is pussy." Johnny nodded and said "What about 'bitch?'" "That's everything outside the circle, son."

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he spots a guy at the bar wearing a black hat, tzizit, white shirt and a full beard. "Hey bartender!" yels the Arab. "Drinks for everyone...except that Jew over there." After the drinks are all poured, the Arab glares at the Jew, who looks up, smiles and says "thank you." Incensed, the Arab again orders drinks for the house...except for the Jew. And again, the Jewish man just smiles and nods a "thank you" to the Arab. The Arab calls over the bartender and says, "Is that guy nuts? I just insulted him twice and all he does is smile?!" The bartender replies, "That's because he owns the place."

There's a big difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie last night."

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I was having sex with girl yesterday and she kept screaming some other guy's name. Who the heck is "Rape" anyway?

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The reason women are hardly ever the ones to propose is that as soon as a woman gets on her knees, men start unzipping.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," the guy claims

"Don't blame the dog", she yells, "It was cooked perfectly!".

A LETTER FROM A 69yr OLD FEMALE TO DEAR ABBY: Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills. Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do? Confused….. Dear Confused, Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. For fuck sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip!

Yo Mama's so fat, when she bends over to adjust her shoe, someone throws a saddle on her

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $9.95 per minute.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can Get a haircut? *The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. *A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How Long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy Left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long Before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'. The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow That guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for A haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your House'

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She read many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE..'

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens the voice bellowed,

'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 'IS THAT YOU, GOD?'

The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER .'