Saturday Night Jokes
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
The Sensuous Wife...
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" the wife asked.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well, go look in the garage..."
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" the wife asked.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well, go look in the garage..."
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A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.
The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."
His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."
The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."
The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!"
After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?."
She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers
As they were busy looking, Smith steals 3 chocolate bars.
After leaving the store,
Smith says to John: "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me, u cant beat that".
John replies: "You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and John says to the Shop keeper:
"Do you want to see magic?" Shop keeper replies:"Yes."
John says: "Give me one chocolate bar."
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he eats it.
He asks for the second, and he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes that one too.
The shop keeper asks: "But where's the magic?"
John replies: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them
Poor guy.
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We could avoid the whole zombie apocalypse thing if we just buried people with their shoe laces tied together.
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A white woman went on a date with a black man...
She took him home and said. "So you going to show me if it's true what they say about black men"...
So he stabbed her and stole her purse.
At first didn't get the one about the garage but got-it after thinking about-it for a few seconds.
Thanks for the laughs
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde : "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A blonde is in the bathroom and her boyfriend shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" she answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 12 years old. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room, it's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.
I said "Probably son, judging by the size of that horse's cock..."
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
First, my wife got run over by a bus.
Next, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in
Canada, just across the border, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Canada and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots
of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They
decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like
it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and
decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the
side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in
Canada?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in
Canada?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Canada."
"Angela Benz," she replied.
"Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" he asked.
"Why yes," she replied, "As a matter of fact a close one."
"Oh really?" he asked, "How close?"
"Same price."
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If I'm ever on life-support, unplug me and plug me back in again. See if that works.
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I once got a steak that was so rare, it started eating my salad.
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I was having sex with girl yesterday and she kept screaming some other guy's name. Who the heck is "Rape" anyway?
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The reason women are hardly ever the ones to propose is that as soon as a woman gets on her knees, men start unzipping.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.
"It's the dog," the guy claims
"Don't blame the dog", she yells,
"It was cooked perfectly!".
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
Confused…..
Dear Confused,
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. For fuck sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip!
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $9.95 per minute.
Get a haircut?
*The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
*A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How
Long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy
Left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long
Before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow
That guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
A haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your House'
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for
the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed,
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE..'
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
heavens the voice bellowed,
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end
of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her
hole.
The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 'IS THAT YOU, GOD?'
The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER .'