Rules for Grandmas House

Colorado

Friday, September 16, 2016 10:19 PM

Her favorite word is shit! She now has dimentia so she forgets how many times she says shit! She collects junk food from the cafateria at the old folks home. Her table is a collection of candy bars, candy canes, cards, popcorn bags from months ago, rotten fruit, especially bananas, marry Christmas stuff from 2015 because she doesnt know what day it is. She always tries sending you home with roten fruit like you cant afford to buy it yourself. Never ever touch the tongs she has on the bathroom counter. She uses it to wipe with. She starts fights with the neighbor because she still thinks her dog is alive and they stole her dog. Apparently they put a mustache on her dog so she wouldnt recognise it. She told me tonite there is a hole in the concrete where she grew up because she took a hammer and cracked her nuts there. She has no idea what kind of joke material she is comming up with. How much fun is/was your grandma?

2 comments

vincemichaels
•
8 years ago
Grandma makes the best food.
dallas702
•
8 years ago
My grandma was an absolute terror on misbehaving kids. She could transition from slipper strikes on the butt, to flexible small limbs from a nearby tree in an instant. She even spanked my friends if she deemed their behavior inappropriate. By the time I turned eight, I was taller than my 4'5" 85 pound grandmother, but she still was free with the behavior modification slippers and switches until she died when I was in high school. My mother-in-law, was quite different. She was a functioning paranoid-schizophrenic (well, some of the time she was functioning), she long believed "they" were out to get her and hid money, personal items - even her underwear - to keep them from stealing her stuff. In her 80's she was diagnosed with dementia/ alzheimers, but I couldn't tell the difference. When we put her in a dementia care facility we searched her small condo and found over $100,000 hidden in weird places (like $15,100 in $100.00 bills wrapped in plastic and buried under a dead plant in a planter in her kitchen window), plus other really strange things (like an unopened package of panties taped to the back of a drawer in a living room side table). I tried to avoid being around her, but in her later years regular visits became unavoidable. Her stories were extreme. One morning (when she was in the lock-down unit of the dementia care facility) she told me she had been raped the previous night by secret service agents while LBJ watched (this was when Bush43 was POTUS). Then she quietly volunteered that she enjoyed it, but don't tell her mom (who died in 1948). She was still hiding things in the facility, but her dementia was so bad, she couldn't remember that she hid something, let alone where she hid it. Staff claimed they actually enjoyed the "treasure" hunts for her glasses, clothes, even dentures - but finding week old opened cups of pudding was not as fun. When she died everyone breathed a sigh of relief! Some day a future staffer will finally find her lower dentures. Crazy old timers can be entertaining.

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