Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
Hillary Clinton, a Democratic Party Presidential candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by those who have dealt with her as a little more than just a little self-righteous.,, At a recent rural elementary school meeting in north Florida she asked the kids audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence. A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably Johnny) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet! 'Well, stop clappin, ya stupid bitch!
The Hypnotist at a Seniors Home explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting; "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized!
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European
Leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says.
"You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!"
There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say f*ck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll
have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did
you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues,
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic
presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she had a plan to increase every
Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Clinton
refused repeated requests for details of her plan, however. She also told the
Apaches that during her Senate career, she has voted YES 9,637 for every
Indian issue ever introduced.
Before her departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate
a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, Running Eagle.
Later when the question arose about how the name was selected, the Chief of
the Apache Nation responded, "that was easy, a Running Eagle was selected
for Mrs Clinton, because it is a bird so full of shit it can't fly.
Those were very funny. And I'm high so they're even better. I especially like the Clinton jokes. I don't want to post a political thread, but I think she might actually fuck this up so badly that she could lose to a racist. Don't tell Nina that I said that.
She deserves to be run out of the race, but I'm no longer sure if Kaine would be better or worse, I've heard disturbing things about his radicalization.
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The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting; "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized!
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European
Leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says.
"You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!"
There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say f*ck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll
have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did
you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues,
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'
presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she had a plan to increase every
Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Clinton
refused repeated requests for details of her plan, however. She also told the
Apaches that during her Senate career, she has voted YES 9,637 for every
Indian issue ever introduced.
Before her departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate
a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, Running Eagle.
Later when the question arose about how the name was selected, the Chief of
the Apache Nation responded, "that was easy, a Running Eagle was selected
for Mrs Clinton, because it is a bird so full of shit it can't fly.