Just some jokes
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
How can you piss off your wife while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.
What's the down side to a threesome?
You could disappoint two women instead of just one.
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
Why were hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car
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his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was
waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?
Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?
Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later, Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch you're ass?"
The little boy answered "No" again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your pecker touch you're ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my pecker can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself”!
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
Followed closely by
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me ... an Asian
guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo
yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged her
shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white
people too!"