5 Reasons NOT To Take Your Girlfriend To The Strip Club
shadowcat
Atlanta suburb
Very early in our relationship, my girlfriend announced she had no issues with me going to strip clubs — as long as I didn't buy backroom blowjobs or blow my rent money. In fact, she claimed to enjoy going to strip clubs with groups of friends and told some great, off-color stories about seedy venues she'd been to in Asia and the South Pacific. I quickly announced to my friends that I'd found the perfect girl and would be spending my upcoming weekends at the titty bars accompanied by my main lady.
Unfortunately, that dream evaporated soon after. We took a vacation to Portland, OR, a mecca of wonderfully laid-back, free-spirited strip clubs. Some places you'll walk in expecting a simple dive bar and be greeted with a naked Suicide Girl dancing on a two-foot stage. I was in heaven and figured we'd spend our trip (and the majority of my money) in such venues. My girlfriend was game, but by the time we arrived at our third (and best) stop, Union Jacks Club, she'd had enough. While she enjoys going to clubs with buddies, she says it's different with a boyfriend. She doesn't like watching me watching (and salivating over) other girls. So it was on this trip to Naked-Tattooed-Girl-Land that I learned these five reasons it's no fun to take your lady to a strip club.
Disclaimer: If your girlfriend is truly bisexual and truly a freak, these won't apply… and f*ck you very much, you lucky bastard.
1. She Wants To Talk
Any time you go out to dinner or to a bar with your girlfriend, what does she like to do? Have a conversation, or she at least wants you to actively listen to her have a one-sided conversation where she tells you every detail of her day. That doesn't change just because you two are at a strip club. Guess what becomes impossible to do while a sexy naked woman is on stage — it's impossible to focus on anything else. Imagine if one of your bros tried to tell you anything longer than, “Whoa, look at her,†while you're watching strippers. You'd punch him. Not only may your lady become jealous that you're openly lusting after another girl, she'll get angry you're ignoring her.
2. No Lap Dances
Even if your girl says she's OK with you getting a lap dance in front of her, she's secretly hoping you don't. Would you want to watch some naked dude rub up all over her? Even if it's “kinda funny†and “harmless� Say you take her at her word and get the lap dance anyway, it won't be fun. You'll feel her eyes on you. Even worse, the dancer may feel her stare. Her eyes will dig into both your skin like anti-pheromone lasers. You'll be distracted. The dancer will feel insecure and hold back. What good is a half-assed lap dance if you're not focused on it? You'll barely remember the details later when you're trying to masturbate.
3. You Get Less Attention
Guys will argue that bringing girls to a club is great because the dancers aren't so aggressive. They'll chit-chat with your date and won't hard-sell you on lap dances. That is true. However, after they do a general greeting, they'll ignore you for the rest of the night as they try to make real money from lonely regulars. Or on a slow night, they may just sit down, clothed and “girl-talk†with your lady. Over-aggressive strippers are annoying, but isn't the point of going to a strip club to get some attention from beautiful naked girls?
4. You Spend More Money Than You'd Think
If you're not getting lap dances and dancers aren't constantly bugging you for tips, it seems like you'd at least save money, right? Well, the door guy might not charge a cover for your girl, but the waitresses and bartenders won't give her any free drinks. Before you know it, she's had three watered-down $12 vodka-tonics. And you can't go Dutch on a strip club bill if she's willing to go with you.
5. It Won't Suddenly Ignite Her Bisexuality
This is actually a lesson I learned back in college. I took my then-girlfriend to a strip club and bought her a lap dance, hoping it would awake some deep-seated bisexual lust in her, and then I'd talk her into a threesome. As the lap dance began, she looked at me with half-panicked eyes and an over-exaggerated plastic smile. God bless her, she was doing her best to be a good sport but it was as fun for her as tattoo removal.
Unfortunately, that dream evaporated soon after. We took a vacation to Portland, OR, a mecca of wonderfully laid-back, free-spirited strip clubs. Some places you'll walk in expecting a simple dive bar and be greeted with a naked Suicide Girl dancing on a two-foot stage. I was in heaven and figured we'd spend our trip (and the majority of my money) in such venues. My girlfriend was game, but by the time we arrived at our third (and best) stop, Union Jacks Club, she'd had enough. While she enjoys going to clubs with buddies, she says it's different with a boyfriend. She doesn't like watching me watching (and salivating over) other girls. So it was on this trip to Naked-Tattooed-Girl-Land that I learned these five reasons it's no fun to take your lady to a strip club.
Disclaimer: If your girlfriend is truly bisexual and truly a freak, these won't apply… and f*ck you very much, you lucky bastard.
1. She Wants To Talk
Any time you go out to dinner or to a bar with your girlfriend, what does she like to do? Have a conversation, or she at least wants you to actively listen to her have a one-sided conversation where she tells you every detail of her day. That doesn't change just because you two are at a strip club. Guess what becomes impossible to do while a sexy naked woman is on stage — it's impossible to focus on anything else. Imagine if one of your bros tried to tell you anything longer than, “Whoa, look at her,†while you're watching strippers. You'd punch him. Not only may your lady become jealous that you're openly lusting after another girl, she'll get angry you're ignoring her.
2. No Lap Dances
Even if your girl says she's OK with you getting a lap dance in front of her, she's secretly hoping you don't. Would you want to watch some naked dude rub up all over her? Even if it's “kinda funny†and “harmless� Say you take her at her word and get the lap dance anyway, it won't be fun. You'll feel her eyes on you. Even worse, the dancer may feel her stare. Her eyes will dig into both your skin like anti-pheromone lasers. You'll be distracted. The dancer will feel insecure and hold back. What good is a half-assed lap dance if you're not focused on it? You'll barely remember the details later when you're trying to masturbate.
3. You Get Less Attention
Guys will argue that bringing girls to a club is great because the dancers aren't so aggressive. They'll chit-chat with your date and won't hard-sell you on lap dances. That is true. However, after they do a general greeting, they'll ignore you for the rest of the night as they try to make real money from lonely regulars. Or on a slow night, they may just sit down, clothed and “girl-talk†with your lady. Over-aggressive strippers are annoying, but isn't the point of going to a strip club to get some attention from beautiful naked girls?
4. You Spend More Money Than You'd Think
If you're not getting lap dances and dancers aren't constantly bugging you for tips, it seems like you'd at least save money, right? Well, the door guy might not charge a cover for your girl, but the waitresses and bartenders won't give her any free drinks. Before you know it, she's had three watered-down $12 vodka-tonics. And you can't go Dutch on a strip club bill if she's willing to go with you.
5. It Won't Suddenly Ignite Her Bisexuality
This is actually a lesson I learned back in college. I took my then-girlfriend to a strip club and bought her a lap dance, hoping it would awake some deep-seated bisexual lust in her, and then I'd talk her into a threesome. As the lap dance began, she looked at me with half-panicked eyes and an over-exaggerated plastic smile. God bless her, she was doing her best to be a good sport but it was as fun for her as tattoo removal.
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