The Agony of Defeat

This review caught my eye because of Jenna Haze (I bet Art could hear one of her O's all the way in Europe!) I'm sorry to read the night went so sour for the reviewer.

"Club Risque • Bristol, Pennsylvania 01/23/11 • Rating: Fenster • First trip to the Bristol CR, to see Jenna Haze. The parking attendant warned not to bring in a cellphone with a camera, which would have saved me a trip back to my car had I not already known about the ban. After handing over all metal objects to go through the metal detector, the door guy took a looong look at my watch, as if he were appraising it, or checking to see if it had a camera in it.

$20 to get in, because of the feature. Heineken was only $5, the least I ever remember paying for it in a club going back 20 years. A quick look at the girls on stage and around the bar revealed a large selection of girl-next-door pretty types, almost all natural.

I found a table at the end of the first bar the girls dance on, and saw an incredible girl, just perfect for me. A natural and slender brunette who looked like Sarah Shahi. That is, if Sarah Shahi had a smoking hot younger sister who she would refuse to be photographed with because she just couldn't compare. She made me change my strategy from ‘just go to see the feature act', right past ‘don't buy dances, hoping to work OTC', and on to ‘get dances from that girl until closing, because I'd rather see her fantastic body and face than spend the night with any other girl in the world'.

When she changed stages, I raced to the other end of the bar to continue our growing relationship. The only seat available happened to be where each dancer coming off stage starts her tip-walk. So, I'll be the first customer to ask her for a dance. When she got off stage, she came straight to me, and I gave her a couple fives, and asked her to come dance for me. When she finished her tip-walk, she was again right in front of me, and said that she had to go find the guy holding her purse, and she'd be right back. I soon saw her standing nearby, talking to some, uh, goofy looking dude. Then later, standing with him on the opposite side of the bar. Then, she disappeared, and I never saw her again.

The girl on stage immediately after her, Tasha or Natasha, came up to me on her tip-walk, and asked my name and talked with me for a minute, for just the two dollars I gave her. She said she wanted to come see me when she finished collecting her tips, and when I told her I was waiting for someone else, she said she'd come by and sit with me, which I was okay with. I guess it's good to have a back-up. I never saw her again after that.

I kept tipping each girl $2 on her walk, until Izzy came up. Her pole work was so fantastic that, between stages, she had to sit on one of the stages to rest and catch her breath. She then gave the pole right in front of me a workout, and when she came by, I gave her a fiver, which she dismissed just like the $1 that the guy next to me gave her.

Anywhere else, if you tip a girl more than usual on stage, she is smart enough to notice, and prioritize her customers accordingly. I think that the opposite is in effect here, so, the less you tip, the better. Until proven otherwise.

When The Jenna Haze came out, she was fantastic. And, the only person in her industry that I've seen in the last 101520 years with any hair, at all, below the waist. Nice little isosceles triangle. I wanted to ask her about that when I was getting her autograph later …. She did a lot of totally nude stage work at the opposite end of the bar, but at my end of the bar, her legs were clamped together like a suburban housewife, as if she could read my mind, and knew what I wanted to do to her, so she clammed up. (There's a pun there, with a five minute limit on finding it.) When she came by, I tipped her $10, and she actually noticed. That's a first for me in this craphole.

I kept tipping each girl finishing on the stages, until I looked up and saw that both girls on stage were, uh, ‘unqualified'. Then, it was time to get in line to see what autographed paraphernalia Jenna had to offer. The announcer from the show came up to me, and shocked me with his halitosis. I eventually could discern that he was informing me about Jenna's price list for mementos. A few minutes later, he was in line behind me with a waitress from the club. While waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, while the three customers in front of me told their life stories to Jenna, the announcer with the nauseating breath moved the waitress that he was with in front of me in line, because her time was more valuable than that of a paying customer. So, I left without the $25 Polaroid of Jenna with her newest fan. And I left without getting a single dance from any of the dozens of girls that I tipped. And the idiot announcer cost Jenna $25 so that a club employee could get an autograph two minutes sooner than she otherwise could have.

I hate this place, and I will never return."