The following is my suggested criteria for what qualifies as the "ultimate strip club." The criteria are meant to be restrictive, defining the very best available, so relatively few clubs will qualify. Suggestions for clubs that others have been to that meet these criteria are encouraged.
1. The girls. Strip clubs are all about naked women, so obviously the quality and nature of the girls at a club is a key consideration to a club’s qualification as ultimate. Four qualities are important.
a. Looks. Most of the girls in an ultimate club should qualify as reasonably attractive under commonly accepted criteria, at least a 6 or a 7 on a 1-10 scale, with some 8s and 9s thrown in. Put differently, when you see most of the girls at a club, you should have a strong interest in seeing them naked. If you are indifferent about seeing many of the girls at any club naked, it doesn’t qualify.
b. Age. Stripping is a job for the young. 18-20 year olds are ideal, early to mid 20s are fine, and late 20s are acceptable. It a club has an inordinate number of 30 (or even 40) year olds, it is not likely to be an ultimate strip club.
c. Variety. Variety among young girls (skin tone, hair color, natural vs. fake breasts, etc.) has the best potential to satisfy the largest number of people. Plus, even though I have my individual preferences, it is sometimes nice to see different shapes, sizes and colors to compare. Its all good as long as they are young and pretty.
d. Number. The more girls the better. Not only do you have more to choose from and more chance of finding what you prefer, but it is a lot more fun to have a room full of naked women all around. One of the most awesome sights I’ve seen was at Cheetah’s in Atlanta during the evening gown time when some guy paid $10 each ($900 total) to have 90 girls get nude and dance for two songs. It was an awesome sight – 90 young women, many very beautiful, all dancing nude along two stages in one room. An ultimate club should have at least a couple of dozen girls dancing on any given night. The best have 50-100 or even more.
e. Other. If I want to see art (which is rare), I will go to an art museum. Art belongs on walls, not on a woman’s body. While a small, strategically placed tattoo can sometimes be sexy, the number of tattoos should be kept to a minimum. If most of the girls have over 10% of their bodies covered with tattoos, the club is not an ultimate one.
2. Topless vs. nude. I’m a huge fan of female breasts, and I thoroughly enjoy them in all shapes and sizes. Nevertheless, once you have been to a good nude club, it is hard to go back. Tits are good, but if they are going to strip should you get to see some pussy too. To be an ultimate strip club, the girls need to be completely nude. And this means real, total nudity. A place where a small percentage of the girls take off their panties for a few seconds at the end of a dance, and the rest stay topless, is not nude. Nude means that you get the same view as their gynecologist for a substantial amount of the time you are there.
3. Contact dances. A lap dance should be as close to having sex as possible while wearing your pants. Mileage during dances always varies by girl, but at an ultimate strip club the management allows (and therefore a majority of the girls give) extensive two way contact dances. This means that the girl is going to grind you with her hands, mouth, legs, breasts, and/or crotch, and your hands get to wander pretty freely on her body (at least everywhere but between her legs). If the club doesn’t allow two way contact dances, then it cannot qualify as an ultimate strip club. Also, you should be able to get mutual contact for a reasonable price ($10 to $30) per song, without paying hundreds of dollars to go to a VIP room.
4. Other criteria. Girls, nudity, and great dances are the keys, but to qualify as an ultimate club, a club should have an upscale look and feel, or at least it should be clean and well kept. If you are worried about catching a disease from sitting in the seats, if there are signs on the walls warning against weapons, if the toilets in the men’s room don’t flush, or if you are worried for your life walking from your car to the door, then club cannot be an ultimate one no matter how great their nude girls may be. Also, there must be good lighting. Few things are more irritating that getting to a club with beautiful, nude, young women and it is too dark to see your hand in front of your face. Almost as bad are strobe lights that give you a clear view of everything for a fraction of a second every few seconds. We come to the clubs to see the women, and the place should be well lit so we can see everything that they have to offer.
5. What is not required to be an ultimate strip club.
a. Alcohol. While it is nice to have liquor or at least beer served, or to at least have the option of bringing your own, I don’t believe that the availability of alcohol should be a requirement for a club to qualify as ultimate. The reason is that the law in many places prohibits nude clubs from serving alcohol. Apparently there is some type of public danger if guys who drink alcohol and see pussy at the same time, so many clubs are forced to be topless in order to serve drinks. I can enjoy totally nude women while totally sober, and being under the influence of alcohol often leads me to spend more money than I should. Besides, I can find alcohol almost anywhere, but the number of places where young women stip and dance for me are limited. For these reasons, I conclude that alcohol, while nice, is not required to be an ultimate strip club.
b. Music. It is rare that I don’t make or hear a complaint at some point during the evening about a club’s music and/or DJ. Most clubs play the music too loud for my tastes, and almost all of them sometimes play music that isn’t my favorite. However, I don’t come to hear a concert, and the music is a distant second in importance to the visit. While I’d rather not, I will sit through hours of disco or rap if I have to in order to enjoy perfect, naked young women displaying everything that they have for my viewing pleasure. The music is a comparatively minor consideration.
6. What clubs qualify? Since the criteria are demanding, the number of clubs that truly qualify as an ultimate strip club are limited. Here are a few that I’ve been to. Please comment and add your own so we can all enjoy them.
a. Tootsie’s, Miami. I could go an entire year and not see as much pussy as can be enjoyed in a single night at Tootsie’s. Full contact lap dances, dozens and dozens of completely nude young women, and an upscale atmosphere in which to enjoy it all. Read the reviews and you will see that this club unquestionably qualifies as ultimate.
b. Player’s club, Baltimore. Although I’ve only been here once, I absolutely love it. It is a little hard to find (and a decent drive from DC) and on the small side, but very much worth a visit. Numerous very pretty woman dancing completely nude. The admission price is a little high and $30 is a lot for a lap dance, but the quality of every dance I had was well worth it. Tons of hands on action going both ways with every girl.
c. While Seattle trip clubs as a whole leave much to be desired, Deja Vu (about ten miles north of downtown in Lake Forest Park) is a clear exception. After visiting the other mediocre clubs in the Seattle area, I was shocked to find this place. It has all of the criteria above, including lots of completely nude young girls and consistently high mileage two way touch lap dances.
d. Good nude clubs in Las Vegas are hard to fine, since most limit themselves to topless so they can serve alcohol. The only exception worth going to that I’ve found is Little Darlings. The girls are completely nude, and they consistently give excellent, very satisfying lap dances. The girls aren’t as beautiful as you’ll find in some of the topless clubs in Vegas, but for the combination of full nudity and very interactive and reasonably priced lap dances, I’ll keep coming here.
e. Spearmint Rhino, Lexington KY. This club gets unreasonably crowded at times, particularly on weekends, but it is is a good experience if you choose a night with a smaller crowd. Fully nude young girls dancing on 1-3 stages. Not all girls will give you a mutually engaging lap dance, but enough will that I think the club barely qualifies as ultimate.
f. Cheetah in Atlanta earns an honorable mention since it has the largest selection of the most beautiful all nude girls of any club I’ve ever been to. $10 fully nude table dances are also reasonably priced. The club isn’t an ultimate one, since it lacks lap dances, but for about $200 (less than a lot of VIPs) you can get a half hour with a nude girl in a semi-private setting.
Good writeup- virtually any club is a series of compromises. It is extremely rare to find a club that scores tops in every criteria. One criteria that I'd add would be an unobtrusive staff- one that is there when needed, but doesn't get in your face too much- minimal gimmicks, being pestered for tips/handouts, etc.
