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Flat ass? More like Pancakes than Pillows? All bones no booty? Very common issue that prevents all dancers across America from earning a living wage. I, growing up have been called fat ass many a time, called an ugly drunk asshole even more so in some ways you could say I embody the fatass metaphorically inside and out. All that have met me say for a guy, I have one of the greatest asses in America. So much so I back into every social interaction. My awful personality and mediocre looks are often overlooked by girls trying to grab hold of my butt cheeks. My online dating profile has no trace of my face, it's just a picture of me mooning people out of my school bus (which I admit was a mini bus, fine you got me, fair enough) in the third grade. I was known as rear end prodigy even back then. Many run in terror as I approach but I get cat called as a walk away. Yes very odd I know. So my rump resume really knows no bounds and I consider myself and the top mind or...rather the top bottom in the field if you will. The point of this guide is to get you, the no ass stripper to be able attain DAT FAT ASS and rule the strip club world (and quite frankly rule over just about every straight black man in America today as well)

-Jenny Craig diet meals, toss them in the garbage. I know a Red Headed pig tailed girl who owns a burger joint that can hook you up from here on out. Fuck Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig has no ass. https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51z9… What have we got to lose? Everything girl, everything.

-John Basedow DVD's? https://s.ecrater.com/stores/4619/550725… Burn them. Great for a bonfire. Fuck John Basedow. No seriously he's got big money, fuck John Basedow and take his money.

-The only time I want to see you running, is if running after the ice cream truck

-The only exercise you will do is squatting. And twerking. *Richard Simmons Voice* Left, left, right, right. Back and forth, back and forth. Up and down, up and down. That's it girl! Keep it up! Shake that bubble butt!

-4 gallons of milk drinking everyday. Milk and Pizza? YES

-You know all those people that use their feet to read books, I want the same kind of thing from our community. Start picking things up with your cheeks, I've become such a master at it I actually keep my money up in there. Although make sure to wipe good prior, the lady cashier at Piggly Wiggly was not thrilled with the brown cash given last time but I try to do my best with it but Taco Bell is a motherfucker.

-I'll often stumble drunkenly into Chuck E Cheese from the bar. When they try to prevent you from coming in, they say something needing kids with you or something about ID, just tell them I left my wallet with the wifey at the 6 year old birthday party. They'll let you in, tons of shitty pizza to load up on for those calories all around and completely free. Wear one of these hats to seem legit https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/DEAAAOSw5… and sing along with the Puppet Band to go unnoticed https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/YnwfEJcZ… Although if the police do come, just run out the back door. Don't try to take Chuck E. hostage trust me I know. I'm actually writing this article from jail I have few months left, I'm just saving you the headache now.

-My plan really can be broken down into three simple steps: Bagel Bites, Hot Pockets and Three's Company Re-runs

-Any liposuction your having done, that's fine just tell them not throw out all that blubber, tell Doc to just inject that good stuff right back there. Wales don't waste that. Seals don't waste that. Walrus's don't waste that. We don't waste that. We recycle. Speaking of which, not for nothing Captain Planet had a great ass. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fmGPqzB…

-For if your truly committed and only the most devout and dedicated of the cause. You know how Grizzly Bears load up on food and then go into hibernation for the winter time? I want you to do the same thing, but bring snacks with you and have Uber eats deliver to your cave. Unlike bears we're not sleeping, we're out here working.

-As far as hair maintenance is concerned in your backyard. I really have no answers for you, I can't even handle my own business on the front. I have a great butt covered but naked it sort of looks like an Ewok that died from obesity. I shave it and it comes right back. I have no answers. It's the Robin Williams forearms equivalent of asses. Although it can hide a diarrhea mess, which is pretty common for a slob like me but dingleberries are abound, yes dingleberries are indeed abound.

-As a side benefit, if you are the charitable type and a stomach sleeper, little homeless kids can and will use it as a pillow.

-As a last resort, head to down to Colombia for a BBL. Yes, it's likely a suicide mission as many have died that came before you, and likely you will too. But think by some miracle you do come out alive and with a gigantic bubble boogie bootie that might get you in a Lil John music video. Now if that ain't stripper heaven, I don't what is, hell I just don't know what is.


Hopefully this guide has given you to the pathway for a big ass and big money stripping. Shaking it back and forth really turns you into a stripper hypnotist, a sort of strip club Medusa, just shake, sugar, oogie boogie bake and walk over to pluck those $20's right out of his hand. Completely unstoppable and irresistible for men unequipped with a massive crucifix, blindfold and holy water. Remember without a big booty then guys would have to judge you on your personality, and who in the fuck wants that shit!

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nicespice

JC2003

Incoherent

DickyDoo2

lurker21

What a useful article!

Shortie44