There Is No Damn Reason On God’s Green Earth Why You Should Tip The Bathroom Troll
Muddy
USA
The good knight render payment?
The good knight retreat for the hills?
Or does the good knight slay the foul beast?
No we should not take up arms against our fellow guardians of the latrine. I hate game the not the player. And the game is hitting hard and at time when we are most vulnerable, when we have poopie on our hands. Let’s be real you just paid $800 bucks in VIP to get a hand job full of apathy, sparing $1 after taking piss is not an option. I want you to look at the guide as a field manual that can be referred to every time your in a strip club and just have the squirts looming. I want you to go to extreme lengths to avoid pulling that dollar to get a fucking napkin. No we need to take back our bathrooms so they can return to the hands of crackheads that use our stalls for showering purposes.
It’s Friday night, most big clubs throughout the US will have a BR attendant at this time, are you gonna just do what everyone else does; fund this luncacy and perpetuate it for centuries to come or will you man up and deal with it in the most indirect spineless ways possible. 14 methods, and they are...
1. Hold it. It’s always an option. We all have that friend that needs to wait to get home to take a shit. You can be that friend tonight. Be warned VIP might get smelly.. If so know your sacrifice was not without honor.
2. No eye contact. No talking. Head down. A favorite of mine. In and out. He’ll know but he’ll just have to hold that. Just don’t forget anything in there, it will be awkward and weird.
3. Piss Bottle. Don’t have that waitress grab your finished drink. Keep it. It’s a great excuse to whip your dick out anyway. Anybody has any problem with it just let them know your trying to save money. Just remember which bottle is which for the love of God.
4. Exit club and take dump at McDonalds down the road.
5. Stake out. Use the urinal, then go straight to a stall. Lock the door and stare through the crack until you see the bathroom guy leave for whatever reason. Now's your chance! Go Go Go!
6. Find a way to combine semen and urine to leave at the same time. I still haven't figured out how to do this but i'm sure if you do, your favorite stripper will be impressed.
7. Release urine in pants. For many of us it can be considered a cleanser anyway compared to what we already have on there.
8. Just don't wash hands. If your hands ain't wet, you don't need a paper towel. Enter. Urinal. Exit. Genius. Try not to do this during Corona season, a reputation may soon follow.
9. Smoke grenades
11. Wait for a crowd sink. Keep peeing (You might be there a while, don't panic, power through) until there are two or more customers at that sink. Once they're there approach sink from the side, wash hands and whoops too crowded to take paper towels, so just leave. Shake 'em out.
12. There are various holes in the billiards table. Use them.
13. Don't drink or eat anything that day. Ghandi style. Takes discipline.
14. Be into golden showers in VIP. Develop the fetish. This may take some convincing on your end to get the stripper to be into to it and on top of that it may get somewhat messy but talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Those are the tried and true ways to do this. Some further notes to pass guidance.
-The exception to the rule is if you do need to shit and end up "blowing it up" your gonna need give the guy something or your just a fucking dickhead. Your not really paying him for service (unless of course you really really really blew it up) your just paying him on the grounds that nobody will speak of this ever again.
-Ditto if it gets messy. A good rule of thumb is “Green on hand then green in hand.” So if you think it’s a good idea to eat Papa Johns before strip clubbing then be ready to Papapay.
-If you must tip, tip in unwanted change. The service industry all over America *love* when you do this.
-If you clog a toilet and don't have a plunger. Wait it out. Until the water starts dissolving the toilet tissue and you can flush again. Make sure the poop water doesn't go over the top. Hang in there shouldn't be more than a few hours.
-If the bathroom attendant is disabled. This foe is beyond any of you. Run! Fly you fools!!!!!!!
-Don't make conversation with the guy after not tipping him, it usually doesn't go well IME.
-Don't have squeak shoes. It makes everything above so much harder.
-For the love of God your not in the bathroom to make friends. If you do, they are gonna milk you harder then even the strippers.
-Remember the Germans don't really have a shit fetish, it just a country of people that really don't want to have to pay the bathroom dude so they got creative. That's all, nothing weird about it.
I hope you now see that you can pee toll free.
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