Dear Club Owner: A letter and story for the season PART 2
Tuesday, December 16, 2014 12:00 AM
Now that you know the Nest's story, let's put some of those lessons to work. Note: Many of my list items apply to lower level clubs, but collectively the list might have something for everyone (I hope).
Dear Club Owner:
Thanks for a good 2014, and I look forward to an even better 2015. But you and I need to talk. See, we have a problem that needs addressed.
Like most customers, I'm by no means a rich man, but I have disposable income every month I put aside just for clubbing. Usually it's $300-$500--sometimes much more. I'd really like to drop all that in your club. Apparently, you've decided to give me one reason after another to pocket that cash and spend it on something else, like ice cream.
But I prefer titties and ass, so let's work on changing a few things so you can get me, and lots of other guys like me, through your doors again.
Item 1: Clean up your act. I may be a club hound, but I'm no animal. Just because I'm a man doesn't mean I'm willing to wallow in filth to see some girls in thongs with their tits hanging out. So how about scrubbing down your club--especially your men's room. Odds are I'll be taking a piss at some point. I'd like to wash and dry my hands, but sometimes I can't because you have no soap or towels. Just a suggestion, you can spend one buck on each down the street at the dollar store, so quit being fucking cheap. As for that pissy smell coming from the floor--you may have a sewer problem. You might want to get it fixed before you get shut down. You also might want to sweep your floors, vacuum the couches and carpet and clean up the messes in your VIP areas nightly. I'm no wilting flower, but I'd like to be shown a little respect when I spend my hard earned dollars. You can do that by respecting your business and making it presentable. Hint: If I spent $300 at a nice restaurant, I wouldn't want my steak and lobster delivered on a garbage can lid. You can do better as well.
Item 2: Fix your damn parking lots. The Nest helped get itself in trouble because of its unlit, dark parking areas, which were havens for crime. I didn't like going there after dark just for that reason. I'm also not going to park my car in a lot full of potholes and broken class--which I've seen at some high end clubs. Please do all of us a favor with some repaving and install some bright security lights and cameras. Measures like these will do wonders when it comes to bringing good guys in and keeping bad ones out. I also want you to do it to keep your dancers safe. They have a right to expect to expect to walk to and from their vehicles without worry.
Item 3: Keep the pimps out. I used to think pimps were only an issue in dive clubs, but I'm hearing these assholes are popping up everywhere, taking a place at the bar or occupying a table at some really nice clubs. Pimps are a serious problem wherever they go because they bring their illegal business (and all that comes with it) on your turf. Did you work hard to open your own club just to give some freeloading asshole a convenient place to set up shop? And do you really think your customers want to hand a dancer a pile of bills after a great VIP only to see her tuck it into the pocket of some walking piece of shit who calls himself Sugar Bear or Big Tex? You know who these guys are. Tell them to move down the street.
Item 4: Keep the drugs out. Yeah, I know. Keeping drugs out of clubs is like keeping a fat kid away from his Halloween candy. But there's still plenty you can do to minimize the problem--far more than just posting a no drugs policy. You have to make a stand by taking action--for example, by looking for dancers who are geeked out and sending them home. That doesn't mean waiting till they OD, collapse on stage or piss themselves in front of customers (as I've seen). You know the signs of drug use. You also should be able to spot someone dealing in your club. Keep in mind that the vast majority of dancers and customers hate a druggy workplace and atmosphere. Even if Uncle LEO hasn't visited you yet, you can bet in time he will if your club gets the wrong reputation.
Item 5: Get your dancers to work. Sure, I know they're usually "independent contractors," but it's your business and they need to abide by your rules. Those rules should include not letting a paying customer sit at your bar and sip a drink while being ignored by a bunch of dancers lounging around looking at their phones. There's an old saying in the car sales business: A man doesn't walk onto the lot unless he wants to buy. It's the same way at your club. When your dancers don't approach us, we get really pissed and don't return. Are you honestly happy letting me take my pocketful of cash out the door and down the street because your dancers simply don't care about your business, or are you going to do something about it!!??
Item 6: Quit hiring meathead bouncers. I actually have some sympathy for bouncers. Most of the time we see them as obstacles to navigate for extra services. But they're also a necessary part of some clubs to ensure customer and dancer safety. Even though they get to spend their work hours around hot, naked women, they also have plenty of shit to deal with: drunks and abusive customers, along with dancers and an endless stream of complaints, fighting, tears and bitchiness. That doesn't mean they can be rude or violent to customers. If I or another guy gets out of line, your bouncer should enforce the rules per the severity of the "sin." I don't need yelled at or treated like a child if my hands move too high up a dancer's body in VIP. Simply being politely reminded of the rules probably is enough. If the buddy I brought in gets too drunk and grabs a dancer's ass, he doesn't need brutally dragged to the door by some gorilla. I've met plenty of bouncers who were tough and smart. You should hire one.
Item 7: Quit draining us dry. TUSCL member Papi_Chulo reminded me of this when he mentioned how much he despised being hit by exorbitant parking, entry and mandatory drink fees. He also complained about tip parades that compel customers to hand over cash to girls they haven't even seen dance yet. I completely agree. I'm a grown man. I've brought in a bunch of money to spend as I want, and I will spend it. Please don't try to suck an extra $50+ out of my wallet on things I don't value. Sell me something I do want, and I'll be back often.
Item 8: Get involved in your business. This applies to all my other items, but I'm speaking mainly to owners who are new at the strip club game. Several of you have opened clubs near me (thanks!), but you're apparently satisfied with letting your business take care of itself. Bad move. That's a good way of saying good bye to a lot of revenue. Do something about it. How about spending some time going to other clubs to see what makes them successful. Or talk to an industry professional for advice. You also can talk to your customers and dancers. Veteran dancers can be great sources of advice since they know what makes them (and you) money.
And why not show your face in the club more often? If you're fine with sitting at home making what dollars you can, fine. Just remember, if you worked a bit harder and put some money in your joint, you'd probably end up with a lot more in your pocket. A lot more. You'd also have a lot fewer problems when it comes to the cops, health inspectors, and keeping a steady stream of hot dancers and good, satisfied clientele under your roof.
Respectfully,
Your customers
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