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MoniqueFox

As a dancer, I get asked out a lot. And I've thought about this... I really think a lot of dating advice is too skewed, and mostly straight and narrow. I am also a writer, so this is my 2 cents worth.

This is a no holes barred article, hopefully bringing you into the darker and kinkier sides of nightlife and dating therein. See, my darlings, I bat for both teams and enjoy every bit of it. I date both men and women. Beyond the genders, we find sex, and lots of it. Yeah, so really I'm a bit of a slut and quite proud of it. In my time, I've had over 500 lovers in all shapes and sizes and nationalities; really the human form is quite lovely, but what I find irritating is dating. I have needs! I know, we all have “needs”, but this is central to me having a successful love life. I highly recommend you making a top three list of needs. This is the best way to eliminate the losers and find the cream of the crop when dating.

My needs are quite simple: beauty, intelligence, and fuck-factor.

Beauty is the easy bit – I'm shallow. I know this... So the question is: how hot are they? I only date/ fuck people who score at least an 8/10. Really, I don't think you should lower standards, even if it is to get laid. Especially in the bedroom, you want some eye-candy. Remember, all dates will eventually lead to the bedroom/ kitchen table/ dark alley, so make sure to go for looks!

Now, intelligence is a little more intense. For this category, my potential date must be well-read and well-versed in the classics, know pop culture, understand geek terms, and have street-smarts. It seems here most people fall down. Again, I make sure I give them a rating. As someone brilliant once said to me, whether they're a champion Monopoly player will do little good in the bedroom – so true!

Finally, the fuck-factor; this is not the x-factor (however important), but really is all about sex. Unless you're doing the no-sex-before-marriage gig, this point really should be in your top three to determine a suitable partner. Talking dirty on the first date? Yes please! Perhaps keep the hair pulling out of it right now, but do talk about what you like, what you expect, and what you want. I think too often we shy away from sexual desires and fantasies and then feel disappointed when they take their pants off. Whoa. Are you a size queen? Better mention that early. Do you want to be worshiped? Another good point.

So my prerequisites are all about kink. Yes, when someone asks me “chocolate or vanilla”, I'll always choose chocolate. This isn't just a love of that divine sugary bar, but rather that vanilla means something completely different to me. Vanilla is fine – doesn't everyone love missionary position? But I play heavily in the fetish scene, and I think some free lovin' is good fun. Being compatible sexually is integral to a happy long relationship.

My last long term relationship was vanilla all the way – no spanking, no costumes, no roleplay... oh God, why did I stay in it? Ahh yes, you'd think bi-sexual tendencies turn people on... but it seems many enjoy the “idea” of it, but in practice they become freaked out prudes. Ouch! Still, this vanilla boy was good for a time – we were even engaged! Shame he had no job, no identity and no follow through *sigh* Anyway, the bonus is, his best friend is now my best friend.

The moral of this story, you ask? Well, if you can't get your kinky way, make sure to procure some more worthy items during break-up: like stealing the best friend, securing a fuck-buddy or permanently “borrowing” their favorite PS3 games...