Replies to Stripper rants

&nbsp;<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, 'Lucida Grande', 'Bitstream Vera Sans', verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.1528px; color: rgb(64, 64, 64); ">1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It's a fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already.&nbsp;<br /> <div>1) Hey, you, up on stage. Don&rsquo;t walk up to me bored, fully clothed, and immediately pull out your garter. It&rsquo;s a STRIP CLUB. Take something off. Or at least smile and pretend you are having fun. Don&rsquo;t make me feel like you are panhandling.&nbsp;</div> <div>&nbsp;</div> 2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.&nbsp; <div>2) You dancers who spray on the perfume by the gallon and wear glitter lotion: you do know that most customers are married, right? What are you thinking?&nbsp;</div> <br /> 3) You with the thick-ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh?&nbsp;<br /> 3) You with the industrial panties that you never take off, even on stage: you realize this is a NUDE club, right? Did they fail to mention that when you were hired?&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.&nbsp;<br /> 4) Don&rsquo;t painfully grab my equipment as a way of introduction. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.&nbsp;<br /> 5) Hey, you, up on stage, counting the stack of bills I have sitting in front of me. No, it is not all for you. If I like you, and want to get a dance from you, I&rsquo;ll tip you a $5 or better. Don&rsquo;t think it belongs to you just because you walked onto the stage.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 6) No I will not just let you &quot;slip it in real quick&quot; for $50 more bucks.&nbsp;<br /> 6) No, I will not let you take this cell phone call in the middle of a lap dance I&rsquo;ve paid you for in advance.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 7) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.&nbsp;<br /> 7) Yeah, my money is real. As real as anyone else&rsquo;s. I fully realize I am paying you for your attention.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 8)If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.<br /> 8) If you make me cum in my pants from a simple lap dance, I&rsquo;ll lavish money upon you, since it&rsquo;s never happened before in 30-plus years.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.&nbsp;<br /> 9) Stop asking me to buy you a drink so you can get drunk and forget about the fact that you take your clothes off for a living. You&rsquo;re about 172lbs overweight and look like Jay Leno. Not my type.<br /> <br /> 10) This is the number between 9 and 11. If you consider this a basic one-song rate when performing multiple lap dances, you'll probably make more money over an evening than trying to charge $30 per song.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 11) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all, your breath ranks (what'd you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you're about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don't give a shit.&nbsp;<br /> 11) Stop bitching at me about your DUI arrests. If I had planned my evening around giving free legal advice, I wouldn&rsquo;t be in a strip club.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 12) Don't bitch at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.&nbsp;<br /> 12) Don&rsquo;t bitch at me about your loser boyfriend/husband either. Drop the jerk and move on.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.&nbsp;<br /> 13) How much of my income you get is in direct proportion to how horny you can make me.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 14) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.&nbsp;<br /> 14) No, I don&rsquo;t mind if you smoke. But stop bumming my cigarettes. And that&rsquo;s my lighter. Take it out of your purse and give it back.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 15 )Boys, don't sit in the front row with your &quot;homies&quot; and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too &quot;cool&quot; to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.&nbsp;<br /> 15) Girls, don&rsquo;t gather together at the bar or a corner of the club and chat or watch TV. This is your job. If you want to make some money, get out and circulate. At least try to make an effort before complaining to me that you aren&rsquo;t making any money.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 16) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!&nbsp;<br /> 16) DON&rsquo;T EXPECT A TIP JUST FOR PLOPPING DOWN IN MY LAP!<br /> <br /> 17) &quot;So what do you guys do when you're on your period?&quot; Answer: I lap dance with guys in dark pants.&nbsp;<br /> 17) If you&rsquo;re having your period, stay home. If you are any good, the other days in the month should provide you ample income.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 18) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!! That's extra.&nbsp; <div>18) If fondling your breasts is extra, tell me up front. I may or may not decide to take you up on the offer.&nbsp;<br /> &nbsp;</div> 19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!&nbsp;<br /> 19) SHOWER AND DOUCHE FIRST! I didn&rsquo;t pay for a lap dance to smell your skanky pits or your day-old vagina.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious perfume before our dance.&nbsp;<br /> <div>20) I had a feeling that you would end the three-song lap dance I paid for after just two songs, so don&rsquo;t expect me to buy another lap dance from you again. Ever. Just don&rsquo;t ask.&nbsp;</div> <br /> 21) Hey cheapasses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to &quot;Desperate Housewives&quot; instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.&nbsp;<br /> 21) Hey, weirdo. Stop calling my cell phone, the number for which I eternally regret giving you. I don&rsquo;t want to know every time you are at the club and it&rsquo;s empty and you want me to show up with a willing wallet to hoover.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that's why.&nbsp;<br /> 22) Stop asking me what I do for a living as a way of gauging your potential income over the next hour or two. It&rsquo;s unbecoming.<br /> <br /> 23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.&nbsp;<br /> 23) No, seriously. My name is Dick Johnson.<br /> <br /> 24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you stupid mutherfucker!&nbsp;<br /> 24) No, I will not drive you to your drug dealer. Do I look stupid?&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.&nbsp; <div>25) Sorry, I&rsquo;m not going to spend a dime on you. Go ask one of the young guys who has never seen a bare breast before and doesn&rsquo;t realize how low yours are hanging.&nbsp;<br /> &nbsp;</div> 26) I can see it's your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girls don't have to do &quot;extra services.&quot; I can give you some recommendations for a small fee.&nbsp;<br /> 26) I can see it&rsquo;s your first night working at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics for you. If you want to make a lot of money, try smiling and making customers feel good. Negativity will get you nowhere.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.&nbsp;<br /> <div>27) It&rsquo;s not okay for you to jump your hefty behind into my lap. Cool move for a thin girl, not so much for a thick one.&nbsp;</div> <div>&nbsp;</div> 28) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.&nbsp;<br /> 28) Stop complaining about the 2-4-1. The DJ announced it, you asked, we went. The songs were so short it was basically one lap dance anyway. I am not paying you the regular LD rate.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 29)Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more.&nbsp;<br /> 29) No, I don&rsquo;t want to spend an outrageous amount of money to take you to the CR where I know nothing else is going to happen. You just gave me a lame air dance for $30. Do I look stupid? Stop asking.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It's like me going to PETA looking for a steak.&nbsp;<br /> 30) DO NOT treat me like I should hand over my debit card and PIN number as soon as we meet. You are not suddenly my dependant after you tell me your &ldquo;real&rdquo; name.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.&nbsp;<br /> 31) Girls &ndash; what&rsquo;s with the smelly crotch? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing worse than getting a whiff of stale pussy from the stage or during a lap dance.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't know all the words.&nbsp;<br /> 32) Girls &ndash; stop asking the DJ to play your favorite songs. Learn what your audience likes and cater to them. It&rsquo;s not about you; it&rsquo;s about your customers.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size.&nbsp;<br /> <div>33) Girls &ndash; if you can&rsquo;t stand up in 10-inch platform heels, let alone walk in them, perhaps you should consider another choice of footwear.&nbsp;<br /> &nbsp;</div> 34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell like lapdance funk.&nbsp;<br /> 34) Girls &ndash; learn to smell your own BO, or have someone else check it for you. Take a shower if you get funky during the night. Unless they are really twisted, your customers won&rsquo;t be into that.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 35) Hey DJ! You suck!&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 36)Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking dancing llama on your ass is so lame.&nbsp;<br /> 36) Girls &ndash; about the tattoos: I hope your mother asked you at least once: &ldquo;If everyone decided to jump off a bridge, would you follow them?&rdquo; It stopped being rebellious years ago. It&rsquo;s now an act of conformity.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> 37)Girls--some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are, you fucking weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men, or Bjork. For the love of God, Please.&nbsp;<br /> 37) Girls &ndash; there are some songs that probably shouldn&rsquo;t be attempted, but if you are really, really good, you might be able to pull them off. Stick to classic rock and you&rsquo;ll do well.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> Thanks to shadowcat and&nbsp;jackanonymous.&nbsp;<br /> <br /> </span>