I was free for Saturday afternoon...

I was free for Saturday afternoon so I decided I would unselfishly visit some of Edinburgh's lapdancing pubs and clubs.

Of the 4 establishments visited, the Western provided far and away the best experience. Time was just before 2pm. No entry fee (though when I returned later it cost £5 at the door), the traditional, long Scottish bar stretches down the right of the room and at its far end is the small stage, 5ft off he ground, where occasional nude strips take place. Along the bar and the left wall are several tall bar stools, otherwise its standing only until you go for a lapdance. A pint of draught beer or a bottle costs £3, a soft drink £1.50. At the far end of the room, on the left, a bead curtain leads to 3 compact booths.

The place was quiet when I arrived and, milling around talking to each other and to half-a-dozen customers were 10 girls - all young, all gorgeous (8-10s) and all dressed provocatively. Thje secret is just to make eye contact with the girl you like the look of and she will come over to you and chat for a whie until one of you suggests a dance. Dances (in one of the booths, with you on a stool) cost £10 or £20 - judged by per 1 or 2 songs from the continuously playing pop music. Dances are nude and contact is one-way only usually with plenty of grinding and sometimes a tit in the face depending on the girl. I had a £10 and a £20 from 2 different stunners on my first visit and a couple more £10s when I came back here later to cheer myself up after disappointments elsewhere (see reviews of Burke & Hare, Hooters & Liquorice Club coming up). Even better news about the Western is, Monday to Thursday dances are £5 each and, from previous visits, I can guarantee the totty is every bit as good those days too.

In future the Western will be my only port of call in Edinburgh.