Algorithm yields glitz not grace

Cloakroom is what you’d get from an algorithm designed to create the feel of an upscale strip club. There are the requisite doormen, pretty barmaids, expensive drinks, fancy interior design complete with color-changing LED lights, and an exclusive upper floor where many a patron has likely descended with disappointment after being separated from his money. While getting us to spend our money is the point of every business, the Cloakroom masters the art of selling flash and glitz, with little to enjoy once you lift the curtain… or skirt.

I arrived on a Saturday night around 9. The doorman at street level checked my ID and sent me to the second floor. I paid the $20 cover and entered the club. The space is small (5000 sq. feet?). There is a bar in the middle of the room with the stage connected to and to the left of the bar. The bar/stage extends away from the entrance. The stage is elevated, has two poles and room for two dancers. Surrounding the stage/bar are various seating options: along the bar are stools with an elevated seating area further back from the bar. The far wall is lined with booths and there is an area to the left of the entrance with low tables and chairs. On the left side of the stage is more seating reserved for lap dances. All of the furnishings would be passable in a boutique hotel lobby, and you should have absolutely no fear of sitting in a biohazard. This IS a very nice club.

The place was already packed to the point that it was difficult to find a seat when I arrived. Once I found a seat, regardless of where I was sitting, I felt far removed from the stage and dancers. If you want to get a closer look, you are required to stand next to the stage. I little disclosure here… I go to strip clubs to see pussy. I don’t go to topless bars or pasty bars for that reason. So strip clubs that are nude but make it difficult to see the pussy are a drag. Cloakroom falls squarely into this category. In addition to having to stand next to the stage like a dork, the lighting levels are so low that it is almost impossible to tell if a girl has shed her panties from most vantage points. While I found it awkward to stand at the stage, it certainly didn’t deter others.