Two stars. And kick me. I...

Two stars. And kick me. I clearly learned after visiting nearby Camelot (reviewed) that the no-touch, no-lap-dance DC & NoVa clubs are a frustrating & pointless waste of time. On the other hand, zero cover + 1 overpriced drink + zero LDs = dirt cheap. You pay nothing, you get nothing. In DC, the girls make all of their money collecting (mostly) $1 stage tips (while guys ogle them nude up-close) and then they make a round cross the floor, working all the patrons, trying to collect another buck. Yet on a recent overnight DC business trip, I was stupid enough to give these clubs another shot by visiting Archibald's, which I was guessing to be the second best of the bunch after Camelot. Because I actually engaged some dancer convo & interaction at Archibald's, the experience was even worse.

I am guessing there had been about 20 dancers on shift that Saturday night, but it was going on 1:00am when I hit it, so many of them were already changing out and leaving. Dancers were mostly in the 6-7 range. 80% white, 15% Asian or Hispanic. I saw several < 5 skanks who should be looking for a day job. And there were two tall, lean blondes who were 9-10 and could have been banking six digits dealing LDs in any top venue in Atlanta, Vegas, Manhattan or Dallas. But for some reason both of them danced for $1 tips at this place until the bitter end - which in DC is 3:00am.

Overall, I’d describe Archibald's as a middle-market venue. Not upscale but not rough-edged either. When you walk in, you first pass the dress code sign - no tilted baseball caps, no baggy jeans, etc. Thanks for that. I actually arrived in a pinstripe suit & tie, lots of gold jewelry, etc., advertising myself as good for serious/generous OTC. There's stairs going into the basement and also stairs going up to a first floor. (The stairs continue on up to a second floor to a joint called Fast Eddie's Pool Hall.) I chose downstairs. Both floors of Archibald's – just like Camelot – are reasonably long but far too narrow for this kind of business. A bar on the left, an aisle in the middle and a row of smallish tables on the right. A small single-dancer podium stage on a side wall and another hung off the back wall. It's just way too cramped. (Because DC places like this were grandfathered in behind the current nude bar prohibition, they can't move elsewhere or they lose their licenses.)