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New Jersey guys - an update on (the former) Bottoms Up, Irvington

misterorange

Kamala, you're FIRED!

I'm rather certain there was nobody more upset than me when the "for sale" sign went up. I've been doing a drive-by now and then, watching the progress of the restaurant renovation that took its place. It's been open for a while now and I had to go, just to see if there was even the slightest resemblance to the former house of debauchery we all loved. I'm sorry to report, there was not.

The building has been expanded out into the parking lot, leaving space for maybe 10 cars. The outside is nicely decorated with festive Mexican designs. I entered from the front door on Springfield Ave. The little entrance foyer was unrecognizable. Stepping inside, the interior must have been 100% gutted and rebuilt from the ground up because even the bathroom is relocated. If you remember the old men's room with the piss stench, unidentifiable crud built up on the urinals, and the flies buzzing around even in winter, it's fascinating to see a modern clean bathroom with a fresh scent machine keeping it smelling nice.

Immediately to your right (where the pool table used to be) there's a small stage for live music performances, but there was nothing going on when I was there on Friday at 3pm. Five customers (including me), two bartenders, and three chefs in the kitchen. The bartender lady spoke decent English with me, but everywhere else it was Spanish. The bar runs down the right side of the place and probably seats 20 people. A modest selection of basic liquor, unless you like tequila. There were MANY different tequilas. The rest of the place had about 20 high-top tables with 2 chairs each, and there were maybe 10 small tables that could seat 4 each. You can see into the kitchen which is very modern, bright and clean looking, but it's located approximately where the more famous "Bottoms Up Kitchen" used to be. Jesus Christ, I wonder if the chefs have any idea of the fucked up perverted shit that used to go on right where they're frying peppers and plantains these days. The addition out the back of the place is a kind of semi-enclosed patio with two pool tables. It looks like you can probably smoke out there and not run afoul of NJ Law.

Immediately what I didn't like is they have that liquor pouring system like you see in airports. The spout on each bottle that fits into some kind of measuring device. Although the pour wasn't terrible, I just don't like that. It feels like you're getting a drink from a vending machine. Anyway, I ordered a Johnnie Black on the rocks. The bartender was like a less attractive version of Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio back when she was in Scarface, and while this one had a decent body with nice tits, she had an enhanced bubble butt which, for me, is a turn-off. It looked like she was training a new guy to work the bar, and she told him to pour my second drink. He put too much ice in the glass, and then some of the measured liquor splashed off the ice and onto the bar. He made no effort to add anything extra to my glass. Next time I ordered a Dos Equis. Bottle only, no draft beer available.

Ordered guacamole for an appetizer and the ribeye steak with rice and beans. Also got a side of shrimp. It literally ALL came out at the exact same time. I don't think they understand what "appetizer" means. I asked for the steak rare, and she double-checked, "Is that well done, or medium-well?" I told her again RARE and DEFINITELY not well done. It came out well done, and to make things worse they serve it on a sizzling iron skillet so it got TOTALLY cooked into shoe leather. The rice and beans were okay, the shrimp was tasty, and the guacamole was excellent.

When I got the bill I really couldn't believe it. I mean it's a fairly nice place but after all it's still in the middle of shithole Irvington, NJ. You're lucky if you don't get shot walking into this place. It was $125.00. Shit man, they charged $17 each for two glasses of mediocre Scotch. Hell, I used to drink the same shitty Johnnie Black here when it was the old Bottoms Up and it was $7.00 a glass. With a $20 tip, this poorly cooked and poorly served lunch cost me $145 and I didn't even get a fucking hand job!

Regardless, I'm not sorry I went. It was like getting closure after a dear friend dies and it breaks your heart, but you eventually have to move on. If there was better food and service, I might go back despite the ridiculous price, but this place wasn't even worth half of what I paid. Shit, when it was Bottoms Up $145 would get me a couple drinks plus BBBJCIM. This place just doesn't measure up to the high standards of BU.