OT: New Material....
JimGassagain
Bacon props!!
Salt Lake City and the western US have been great places to perform sold out arenas and try out my new material. Happy fans in the audience as opposed to the places in the northeast, like Philadelphia, which is ironic considering it's the city of "Brotherly Love". I say that with tongue in cheek. They're always complaining about something, like Donald Trump elected as President. You know they have a cracked Liberty Bell for a reason!
Why is it that we have to pay complete strangers to give us a massage? What do we really know about the masseuse, anyway? Nothing. We know that they rub down strangers for money, and that's all we know about them! Of course it's better them than me. I started to massage my wife's neck the other day and after about a minute I said "ugh, my hand is cramping up. Can you do me?" She was too exhausted from raising the kids so she said she would schedule a massage for us. So why are we so trusted in these massage therapists? Again, all we know about them is that they rub down strangers for money!
And what is it about guys who drive pick up trucks? What a waste of resources. I live in New York, so I don't even have a car, so that makes me a good person. Yet driving a pick up truck is like walking around with an empty suitcase! Who does that? It's not like they're using it for anything, and if you ask them to borrow their truck so you can haul your Christmas tree away, they say no because "it will get the bed of the truck dirty." What's up with that? If you ever ask a guy with a pick up truck if he is going to haul anything with it today, he'll say, "No! But I'm the type of guy that would!" Remember when 10 or 15 years ago it was a sin to drive these big beasts of pick up trucks and SUVs around? Now it seems we've forgotten about that and everyone is buying these vehicles, but not me because I'm a good person. Plus I have to do things of social consciousness because I'm white, and "guilty". You can't get more white than me, which means I'm probably the most guilty person out there. My wife likes to remind me of that.
My wife really is better than me at almost anything, especially when it comes to guilt trips. Nobody does it better than her. I wouldn't be half the man without her, because I would literally weigh half as much....and have longer hair!
Why is it that we have to pay complete strangers to give us a massage? What do we really know about the masseuse, anyway? Nothing. We know that they rub down strangers for money, and that's all we know about them! Of course it's better them than me. I started to massage my wife's neck the other day and after about a minute I said "ugh, my hand is cramping up. Can you do me?" She was too exhausted from raising the kids so she said she would schedule a massage for us. So why are we so trusted in these massage therapists? Again, all we know about them is that they rub down strangers for money!
And what is it about guys who drive pick up trucks? What a waste of resources. I live in New York, so I don't even have a car, so that makes me a good person. Yet driving a pick up truck is like walking around with an empty suitcase! Who does that? It's not like they're using it for anything, and if you ask them to borrow their truck so you can haul your Christmas tree away, they say no because "it will get the bed of the truck dirty." What's up with that? If you ever ask a guy with a pick up truck if he is going to haul anything with it today, he'll say, "No! But I'm the type of guy that would!" Remember when 10 or 15 years ago it was a sin to drive these big beasts of pick up trucks and SUVs around? Now it seems we've forgotten about that and everyone is buying these vehicles, but not me because I'm a good person. Plus I have to do things of social consciousness because I'm white, and "guilty". You can't get more white than me, which means I'm probably the most guilty person out there. My wife likes to remind me of that.
My wife really is better than me at almost anything, especially when it comes to guilt trips. Nobody does it better than her. I wouldn't be half the man without her, because I would literally weigh half as much....and have longer hair!
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14 comments
Anyway, now I make ads for Chrysler, and I got to open for the Pope.
And now that I am a successful entertainer, I have a furnished town house to bring my strippers to.
https://youtu.be/dyxf3d6FZQI?t=27s
James Gaffigan you are one extremely creepy asshole. And I have no idea at all why anyone would ever tolerate your presence.
SJG
And no. You can't borrow it.
Get your own.
That's why I like mine. ;)
You are a lying hypocrite who has built a career out of taking advantage of his children.
I would never sit in a seat and listen to you. And if they don't like you in Philadelphia, that is great encouragement. You are just a pompous ass.
http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2015/09…
SJG
Larry Fishsticks! Lolololol....