Afternoon funnies
crazyjoe
Colorado
A blonde and a brunette are watching a movie in a theatre.
Blonde: This guy next to me won't stop masterbating.
Brunette: Well, tell him to stop.
Blonde: I can't.
Brunette: Why not? Just tell him.
Blonde: But he is using my hand though!
Blonde: This guy next to me won't stop masterbating.
Brunette: Well, tell him to stop.
Blonde: I can't.
Brunette: Why not? Just tell him.
Blonde: But he is using my hand though!
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Ground Beef
Lean beef
Decaffeinated
Udderly useless
JEWISH DIVORCE...
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irving." All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.
Her mother says, You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion, You drive a $350,000 Ferrari, You get $3,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and You want to throw all that away over 45 cents???"
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
A: a cucumber
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off
A guy took a blonde out on a date.
Eventually they ended up parked at lover's point where they started making out.
After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"No!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"No!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.
"No!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
A very busty young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"