tuscl

Musings on fake breasts

Saturday, April 8, 2006 10:37 AM
I have been thinking about a conversation that I had with a dancer last week, when I stopped into a club for lunch. The dancer sat with me while she ate her lunch, and we had a nice talk. One subject that came up was her boobs, which were obviously fake. I know the surgeon who did her first four boob jobs, and she has had one more procedure. She is probably 35-38 years old, and of course the boobs were firm (I had a dance for dessert), with nipples pointing straight ahead--such as you would never see naturally on a woman her age, especially one who had had two children. She was very proud about the job that her two surgeons had done over the years. This conversation got me to thinking: what makes good fake boobs? When a plastic surgeon does reconstructive surgery, the goal is to restore the body part(s) in question to its/their former condition. Even on most plastic surgery procedures, such as nose jobs, the goal is to give the patient a realistic post-surgery appearance. The patient obviously doesn't want the nose she started with, but her nose will end up looking like a nose that lives on the face of some human being. But the goal of boob jobs is to give the patient (really, "customer," since it's not medical treatment) something that doesn't exist in nature. When I was single, I dated a lot of women, of all races and a broad range of age, and I never saw a woman whose natural tits looked like a those conferred by a boob job. Obviously, a woman who is 5'4 and 120# is not going to have 36DD tits, unless a plastic surgeon gives them to her. What got me thinking about this was, as I sat with this dancer, she pointed out another dancer who was on stage (and who has previously described herself to me as "the top of the food chain.") The dancer who was eating at my table said, "Her boobs are too far apart. Mine are just right...two finger widths apart." Who decides what the standard is for something that does not naturally exist? Those of you who were familiar with pre-implant porn--up through the late 80s--will remember that there were a lot of flat-chested models. I think that this is because, in the "state of nature", you get two choices with boobs--small and perky, or big and saggy. My thoughts on this are somewhat influenced by the fact that I don't like fake boobs, and will put up with some sag in order to have "Big 'Uns". (I've also had a lot of flat-chested dancers complain that guys say they don't like fake boobs, but the dancers with implants always make more money post-surgery.) So, my question is, for those of you who like fake boobs...what makes a good pair?

24 comments

  • FONDL
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    18 years ago
    Shadowcat, I know what it means. You just don't strike me as a "whilst" kinda guy.
  • ShotDisc
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    18 years ago
    Just wanted to correct an error I made in an earlier post. the website to see really bad celeb boob jobs is called [view link]
  • chandler
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    18 years ago
    FONDL: That "whilst" post was Shadowcat quoting Wikipedia. He doesn't normally interject "[citation needed]" either. I often see "whilst" used a bit whimsically. My online Oxford American Dictionary notes it as "chiefly Brit."
  • AbbieNormal
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    18 years ago
    Chitown, I'm not a hughe Brooke Burke fan either, I just think she is a great example of how good a really good boob job can look. Kelly Monaco on the other hand has breasts from heaven that most people would think fake because they are too perfect large and full for such a small girl. There is an interesting story about her bit part in a movie called "Idle Hands". I can't remember where I heard/read this, but apparently everyone assumed they [her breasts] were fake since she was a Playmate, and the reasons mentioned above. When the scene came for "the hand" to grope her breasts the guy playing the hand apparently gasped in the first take when he realized they were real. I am of course insanely jealous of that guy.
  • chitownlawyer
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    18 years ago
    Indeed you did, AB, indeed you did. I've never really "gotten it" about Brooke Burke. I found out about her a couple of years ago, when _Esquire_ did a piece calling her "the most beautiful person in the world." To me, she seems fake in some way--not just the boobs. I don't pick up any emotional connectivity. Kelly Monaco, on the other hand, combines two delightful phenomena: the naughty babysitter, and the "Italian Dirty Girl" (as first described by Tom Wolfe in _The Bonfire of the Vanities_. I suspect that, of all girls who first became famous by taking off their clothes, Kelly has done the best at crossing over into the mainstream. Jenna Jamison, Traci Lords, and Jenny McCarthy should be so lucky!
  • FONDL
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    18 years ago
    Shadowcat, it's just that you used the word "whilst" in your previous post, and I was trying to remember the last time I ran across that word. It's a bit archaic and doesn't even show up in my dictionary. It seemed a bit out of character for you, so I'm guessing you copied the entire passage from somewhere. I'm also guessing it was written by a Brit.
  • ShotDisc
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    18 years ago
    Gentlemen, Congrats on a great thread. I personally like big boobs. Natural preferably. To me nothing is worse that seeing a dancer who looks like she has too basketballs glued to a piece of plywood for a chest. Add to that nipples that go in directions God never intended them to go. That is not to say that all boob jobs are bad. Just most. There is a website called [view link] or something like that and they show pics of celebs who have gotten terrible boob jobs. As someone already said, it is not impossible for a small girl to have naturally big boobs. it is also not impossible for a big girl to be flat chested. I do have to say, recently I saw what could have been the best set of fake tits I have ever seen. I was at a trade show and I was talking to a paid model working at one of the booths. she was 35 yrs old and a dead ringer for a hottie celeb at least 10 yrs her age. Somehow I got up the nerve to ask her if she was natural. she said hell no. she said she had a boob job about 10 yrs ago and has had two kids since. She claims that allowed them to soften and take on a more natural look. They were gorgeous. Wish I could have seen them without the clothes.
  • chandler
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    18 years ago
    A still photo can't show how bad a boob job looks, because the real giveaway comes when she moves and her tits don't move with her. Or when she lies on her back and her tits stick up like bouys. While I'm no fan of boob jobs, the ones I like on strippers look unapologetically fake. Not asymmetrical or rock hard malpractice work, but impossibly big for her size and sticking out like headlights is fine. If they're fake they might as well look fake. Honesty in materials, I say. Beyond that, what makes a good pair is all in how she wears them. If she can play the bimbo sex object role, it can be fun. If she acts defensive about the obvious -- the "I just did it to feel better about myself" line -- all I'm aware of is their defects.
  • AbbieNormal
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    18 years ago
    Chitown, I stand corrected, but hey, I picked a couple of brunette spinners for comparison so you can't be to down on me. ;-)
  • chitownlawyer
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    18 years ago
    The sad thing is that when a woman loses weight, the first fatty tissue to go is that found in the boobs.
  • chitownlawyer
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    18 years ago
    AN: Note that BB WAS married to a plastic surgeon...they split up last year. I wonder if the next boob job will be as good. (Hmmm...they probably live in CA--a community property state. Will he expect to be awarded one of them in the judgment order?)
  • AbbieNormal
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    18 years ago
    messaround, I've heard them refered to as "bolt-ons", which seems a fair description. I don't care for the ones that stick straight out and never move. If they look natural (i.e. maintain proportions and the general shape of a natural breast, only bigger) I'm OK with them. I still prefer natural. For research I challenge you to go find pictures of Brooke Burke's breasts (not too much of a challenge). They are implants, but her husband is a cosmetic surgeon, and apparently a damn good one. Now look for pictures of Kelly Monaco. Hers are natural. I think a good boob job can look almost as good as the real thing.
  • FONDL
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    18 years ago
    I'm a fan of all natural. So for me the only decent fake boobs are those that you can't tell are fake. And, as someone pointed out, since the choice is usually between small and firm or large and saggy, I prefer small and firm. My ATF wears a 34A bra, on the rare occasions that she wears one. She looks great without it. Shadowcat, "whilst"?
  • messaround
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    18 years ago
    Not sure aboput all the technical stuff - for me fake ones are OK if they are not these big hard round balls that could give you a concussion if you and the dancer move in wrong directions.
  • chitownlawyer
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    18 years ago
    I wonder if anyone has even calculated that--I suppose it's in some physiology book somewhere. Mrs. (Dr.) Chitown once had a patient who had a pound taken off of each side...they were so big that they were causing her back and shoulder pain.
  • chandler
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    18 years ago
    Whatever the percentage, you know it's got to be the kind of fat that's bad for you. That's always the case with things that taste good.
  • chitownlawyer
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    18 years ago
    So you may be able to eyeball the cup size. And I would say that like many things, practice makes perfect. As a practical matter, this is how I judge them: Very small breasts=A Average, but on the small side=B Large, but not overly so=C Very large=D Too big, and almost certainly fake=DD
  • chitownlawyer
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    18 years ago
    Chandler, to add to Shadow's answer, and maybe help you judge...cup sizes are based on the difference between a woman's breasts at their greatest girth, and the circumference of her body right below her breasts, using the nearest odd number. If there is a one inch difference, she is an A cup. Three inche difference= B cup, and so forth, going through the alphabet, except of course that D is used twice (D for a seven inch difference between the boobs and the trunk, DD for a nine inch difference), and E is skipped. The inch measurement means nothing concening how large a woman's breasts are. A woman can theoretically have a 37A measurement, in which case she would be flat and stocky (and hopefully not around in any club I go to). At the other end of the spectrum, you could have a spinner who had a 32DD bra size--petite bodyl but with big tits. Much more to my liking than the other.
  • chandler
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    18 years ago
    Thanks, Shadowcat. I know how the system works, I just haven't known the sizes of enough women to be able to identify them with any confidence. It's not a subject that comes up very often for me, so I was wondering whether you guys were in the habit of asking women their bra size.
  • chandler
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    18 years ago
    Chitown, Shadowcat, a question I've meant to ask on past threads: How do you know women's bra sizes? I've never bought a woman a bra, so I've never had a reason to ask her size. I'm always seeing guys post about a 34B or a 36DD as though it's commonly understood what they would look like. I have no idea.
  • chandler
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    18 years ago
    I used to sit with a stripper who had a boob job and hear her critique the fake tits of other dancers. Her highest praise was when she said another girl's boob job "looked natural". I would challenge her, asking how she could say they looked natural when she and I both could immediately tell they were fake. I think what she meant was tits that conform to some idealized version of nature. Nature where the law of size vs. perkiness has been repealed. I think it really takes a distorted point of view to believe that equates to "natural looking". To an impartial observer, it must look a bit grotesque to see what is essentially a caricature of nature incorporated into a real living body. I think even we who are no fans of boob jobs, after seeing literally thousands of case studies - and convincing ourselves that the ones that weren't horribly botched could be enjoyed in a lapdance - learn to overlook what a strange feature it is for a healthy, attractive young woman to sport synthetic bags stuffed inside her chest.
  • David3
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    18 years ago
    I have a little stripper that has a great boob job. They are nick and big, but not hard. The Dr. was able to keep them nicke and soft. You don't hardly notice that they are fake.
  • ummyeah
    •
    18 years ago
    Basically, it boils down to whether or not they are aesthetically pleasing. I'm not a huge fan of large breasts, but a nice c-cup on a 5'0", 100 lb woman is really hot. Whether they occured naturally or not is rather irrelevent as long as they look good. What makes them look good? Perkiness is a must for me, I don't care much for saggy boobs. Firmness goes along with perkiness so that's a plus. Of course, no obvious scarring, no mis-shapen nipples, no nipples pointing in different directions, etc. I personally also don't like it when they go TOO big. Of course, that's just my opinion. Each to their own.
  • chitownlawyer
    •
    18 years ago
    One of my grandmothers who was a professional dressmakers, explained it to me.
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