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Muddy

USA

To steal a title from George Carlin's 1988 special. Dark rainy night. I was horny. I hit up some mixed stripper from the South Bronx. She seemed enthusiastic so I took a trip over, paid the bridge toll and parked in front of her house while mother nature is having the piss of her life. I text "Hey you ready?" No answer, I call. Nothing. She would tell me later on she fell asleep. Sure whatever you say, you lying cunt. Just as I'm about to pull away some sugar baby from Newark shoots me message to see if I wanted to hang out. Bustier black girl. It must've been a sign from the heavens. Fuck it, I said let me head over Jersey.

My prior experience in Newark has just been quickly passing through or just at the Prudential center. No real exploring. I'm aware it's a rougher area but how bad could it be? I pull up in front of her house. As I'm waiting, a car pulls up beside me and it's two black dudes grilling me hard. I just stare back. WTF do these guys want? Before I could find out, they pull away. Alright lets go girl, get your fucking bag and lets go, fuck this place. She comes out. As she approaches my car, I realize that this is a particularly big human for a women. Probably like 5'11. We were probably around the same height/weight. Big enough were I had to do a Maury Povich Man or Women style assessment. I glanced at the neck, looked at the face, checked the wrists and the hands. Yeah she was a girl. Not super hot by any means but she had fat tits and I hadn't jerked off in a week, I was horny, I drove this far, lets see it through.

I ask, "Hey you know any hotels in the area?" "Yeah one, in Irvington" "Is it ghetto AF?" "Yeah kinda" As a drive to Irvington, one town over. I'm trying to make conversation with this girl, but all I get his one word answers. This is just uncomfortable jeez at least give me some back and forth to work with, shit. As I drive from Newark to Irvington, I'm starting to realize that this place makes the Bronx seem like Santa Barbara. I dodge not ONE but TWO crackheads just hanging out in the street like cones sort of like in the Wedding Singer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HAWB5wD…

I keep driving on when all of a sudden I see my tire pressure light turn on. Oh fuck what is it now. I get out and check my rear drivers side tire. Yup there's a nail right in that sucker. I didn't have a spare, already used it and never replaced it. Now this REALLY was a sign from the heavens...to get the FUCK OUTTA HERE. I explain to my new hoodrat sugar baby that there was no way in hell I was staying here tonight, here take $20 for your time and I dropped her off.

I needed to get air in the tire. The first couple gas stations I went to, both air pumps were broken. There was no way I was gonna stick it out for the night here, I was ready to push this car through the Holland tunnel if I had too. I finally found a working one at the Sonoco on Passaic street. As a fill my tires, I hear obnoxiously loud base booming out of some car coming in. Three crooks get out of their vehicle and the driver throws his hands up. "Oh now what" I think to myself. "Hey look Transporter needs air in his tires!" (I sort of look like that fucking Jason Statham guy so I get that sometimes) I put up my hand as an awkward way to say thanks and I rolled the hell out of there and headed back home.

The moral of this story, is I guess sometimes it's ok just to jack it a few times on your couch, roll over and just go to sleep. Nothing wrong with that in the least bit.

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