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• DoctorQuality

I've been hitting the clubs since the 1980s, and more so as I have gotten older and my financial position has improved. In the mid 1990s, I spent part of almost every evening for 18 months inside a nude strip club in Georgia. Most nights I spent less than $20, counting the $7 cover (that they eventually stopped charging me.) It was a slow club and the strippers enjoyed my gab and spent loads of time with me when they didn't have any real johns to work over. These days, being much better off financially, I will drop money in a club about every other week or so. I've probably logged 100 visits in Vegas clubs, half of them at the infamous and incredible Spearmint Rhino. Point being, I've logged enough time in clubs to be entitled to have informed opinions on strippers and their industry.

Accordingly, I'd like to suggest we add a new abbreviation to the Strip Club Lexicon: SSB. That stands for "STRIPPER SCI-FI BULLSHIT" and/or "SUPERSONIC STRIPPER BABBLE." SSB is largely comprised of massive incredulous and unbelievable lies that strippers sometimes spin, to try to cover earlier BS or to try to scam bank. Lies so bad and big and bold that they insult even the most naive customers' intelligence.

Now some degree of MLB (MANIPULATIVE LYING BULLSHIT) is normal strip club behavior. You're so sexy, you're so handsome, you dress well, you smell good, you're my favorite customer, whatever. Usually followed by "Let's do a private dance." That sort of thing. Or the ubiquitous "I have to go freshen up" after a set of private dances. Which REALLY means "I have to smoke, I have to piss, I have to babywipe my underarms and pussy, I did my job entertaining you well and I got my money and so now I am entitled to take a short break." In part, MLB is where the stripper is creating the flattering, glamorous and customer-centric experience that strip clubs offer. In that sense, the customer should be grateful for it. I mean it sure beats the icy-cold wanna-dance game you often see in high-volume, mass-production club floors on peak-hours. Beyond the realm of mere and normal MLB, however, is the incredibly unbelievable SSB that some strippers will typically peddle when they (1) need excuses to try to get back in the game with a customer they have previously blown off or (2) when they are S4Ns (SOMETHING FOR NOTHINGS) or OWSs (ONE-WAY STREETS) trying to scam major bank out of a customer while doing nothing to earn it.

One quite common, albeit mild, form of SSB is a sentence that typically starts out with "I usually get … " As in "I usually get $1200 an hour just to sit with a customer in this club because I am so fascinating. " Or "I usually get $20 extra per dance because I am so hot." Or as in "I usually get $500 cash upfront ITC from guys who want to go on a OTC date to prove they are the real deal." Or as in "I usually get $800 just to meet a customer OTC at Hooters for lunch." In fact I have actually heard ALL of these SSB lines within the last three months at my two current home clubs (The Men's Club Raleigh & Capital Cabaret Raleigh). Btw, here are my answers to such SSB: "If you make $1200/hour (or $30 extra per dance) please don't let me hold you up from your lucrative work. Have an awesome shift. Make bank." "MY OTC girls show up first to show THEY are the real deal, not just trying to scam me out of $500 cash in the club for nothing." "If I want a hot woman to meet me at Hooters, I just sit with a Hooters girl." Then I showed her my phone contains two dozen phone numbers that start with the word "Hoot" and another two dozen that start with the word "XHoot." Another play I have, good for these occasions, is to pull out pictures on my phone of my most recent Vegas provider, drop-dead gorgeous, with a huge "Make it Nasty" tattoo across her bikini-line, who loves to turn off the meter. And then tell my SSB stripper she charges $400/hour, no drama, no bull-shit, no conditions.

Such responses call a SSB stripper out on her BS and informs her she must treat you with more respect and straight-up if she wants to continue to engage you. And they also inform her if she is nothing but SSB, her company is no longer needed. Without these responses, an empty-handed SSB stripper leaves the table thinking "he's not good for the $500, the broke bastard" or that "he doesn't realize my mere presence is worth the $500." But WITH these responses, the empty-handed stripper has had REAL truths thrown in her face: That she's just not the clever little liar she thinks she is. And that her delusional diva mindset has caused her to grossly overestimate her market price.

A stripper who dishes out pure SSB is a waste of my valuable ITC game time. (Because I am there to uncover OTC opportunities, not to become a stripper's ITC ATM device). Accordingly, my approach to SSBers is to call them out and box them in. Sometimes the boxing-in will drag out over several visits, escalating the level of SSB, until the lies are so lame and lousy they just fold up, checkmate and they know it. After a SSB stripper sees that she's busted, she will usually sulk away, pouting that she was outsmarted at her own game, and never come around again, and just throw blank looks at me from a distance during future visits. Good riddance -- and if I'm lucky she told her sad story back in the dressing room, a story that will ward off a lot of other SSB nonsense from other strippers going forward. On very rare occasion, I've had the stripper drop her entire stage persona and start interacting as her true self. Since she sees we both know the game so well, it's game over, time for straight-talk, one pro to another.

Experienced, successful and more intelligent strippers … and strippers at major venues … peddle far less SSB, as they know its almost always a fail, a time-suck and bad for business. SSB is a game usually played by young, inexperienced, desperate and/or more dim-witted strippers … and strippers in smaller, local venues. Still, there's plenty of SSB floating around; every customer has stories. Here's two TRUE & recent SSB stories out of my home clubs:

During a set of 'extra'-friendly private dances "Maserati," an older dancer nearing the end of her career, goes on about how she hates all we have is this couch, one night soon we are going back to her place where she has a bedroom dresser drawer full of toys for us to try out. That's borderline MLB/SSB. Time to call Maserati out on it. When she lands on me on future visits, I'm not doing any more private dances, I'm saving my tips for when we try out her toy chest, what about tonight. After several visits, she has to escalate the bullshit, about an exact date, to try to stay in the game, its next Sunday afternoon. She doesn't show. On my next visit, let the pure SSB begin: "My phone fell into the toilet and I lost your number but I have a new phone now that looks just like it." Time to box Maserati in. There's a 24 hour Walgreens up the street from the club and I tell her I'll wait for her there after work then I walk away to go engage other strippers. It's not a big deal for me to sit at the Walgreens after closing for a while, smoking a few cigarettes, since I don't have other options that night. She doesn't show so I text her several times. No response. Two hours later I get a call from an angry man wanting to know who I am. On the next visit to the club, Maserati has to resort to even more ludicrous SSB if she hopes for any more bank from me. She says her car caught on fire, that iCloud is randomly sending her texts to other members of her family and that is why the guy that called me was actually her younger brother. I tell her when she's ready to fuck OTC let me know. Checkmate, game over. After that Maserati only occasionally landed on me, and only to take weak shots at even more ludicrous and pathological SSB, such as how she needs $6,000 by 7am that morning to pay for her pending emergency surgery. All that SSB is ignored, of course. And no dancing either. And she would just move on. One shift, the waitress tipped me off that Maserati hasn't made enough money to pay the waitress for her order of French fries. Obviously, her SSB game isn't panning out financially. I paid the fries off, told Maserati, and offered her OTC breakfast (given I know she hasn't eaten) … and she did indeed appear for breakfast. Because she was broke and hungry. At breakfast, the real Maserati begins to reveal. She turns down my request for desert, but she suggests Sunday and Monday nights might be better for her schedule. I've broken down her game. Total investment in Maserati that night: $20. My next visit to the club, she says its her last night of work, she isn't making enough money, but if she could only finish up the night with $1,000 for … whatever, I don't even remember. A final lame attempt at SSB, totally ignored. I now have unemployed Maserati OTC, out of her stage persona, basically cured of SSB … and I am in position to text offers of dinner & desert whenever at my discretion. I figure it to take multiple attempts but, given she's unemployed and broke, she's likely to turn up eventually.

A regular customer advises "Catalina" that I am good for money. And, as always, I am dressed swag & bank. So she approaches me and a pleasant conversation ensues, much of it me describing my OTC adventures with other strippers, including pictures of a gorgeous blonde I recently took to Vegas for a week showing gifts such as a Michael Kors tote, a diamond ring and an iPhone. Everything I tell her is absolutely true and it's communicating I am not an ITC ATM fool, but that I am a desirable OTC guy. I make quite plain and honest what OTC with me is like. And what it's not like. There's not going to be any boob jobs or new cars. But there will be gifts and upscale, pampering and adult adventures. She says she has a four-year degree and spiels off stories of what she learned and what she's done with her degree. That would make her at least 22-24 years old. But she keeps begging off alcohol, drinking ginger ales and Red Bulls, saying she doesn't drink at work. A stripper that doesn't drink at work, yeah right. She's under 21, this is borderline MLB/SSB, and so she's on probation. The OTC discussion sets up for my suggestion that WE go OTC for a set of nails and a massage with some gifts. She's grinning ear-to-ear, game on, and her likely reason is she thinks she can SSB me out of some serious shit. (Having not listened well to what I actually said.) She gives me her real name. Via Facebook and Twitter I confirm her BS, she's only 20 and she dropped out of college after one semester, and has been stripping ever since. (These days, strippers will dole out their real name to "big game" at the drop of a hat. It's a "real job," no biggie. Btw, never reveal when you find a stripper's Facebook or Twitter, it's insanely valuable advantage information.)

We have a pleasant OTC outing just as I described it: a mani/pedi, a massage and gifts. The gifts include a $200 cocktail dress, a stripper dress from Adam&Eve and a small sterling necklace with Swarovski elements. She's made out well for four hours on a first date, about $400 of "spoiling." And she's been told the gifting will increase if the relationship develops properly. I call her out on her age BS, you really aren't 21 yet are you, and she fesses up. She knows now the lie won't hold much longer. She drops several hints during our outing about wanting to own a horse but they are SO expensive. As a stripper she can well afford a horse anyway, so now she's wafting into more serious SSB. In fact, a boob job would be cheaper, as it doesn't eat hay every day. At the end of the date, she says she has to work day shift tomorrow morning but she would like to keep hanging with me. I already know she NEVER works day shift and she's waiting for me to buy out her non-existent day shift to keep hanging out. The SSB and Greedy meter needles are starting to peg. I call her on this too. I say I'll buy her shift what does she make on days, $100? "I've got a Ben right here on my money clip." And I show her Ben. She's hoping for more, but I know what a day shift at this club banks … and she's lying anyway. She says yes … until we get back to her car … then she backs up. BS again, just to make sure she got her back to her car.

OK, she's made, pure BS, with lots of SSB awaiting me down the line. A $500 plus night, not good enough. She thinks she running a sharp con, that I am coming back to club to buy into whatever SSB she spits out about OTC outings that aren't ever going to happen, since I didn't spring for a horse or a grand. She's planning for that SSB to keep me spending ITC for quite a while, as long as possible, then to dump me. But I know we're actually already into endgame.

I text her a few days later to say thanks for the good company, that she impresses me because … then I list reasons based on things she blabbers about herself on Facebook and Twitter. No response. Perfect. Now she will have to SSB her way out of it next club visit. The next club visit she has just Twittered that she's having a bad night, money-wise, right before I walk through the door. Perfect. She'll be SSBing up to me to get in the game. I heard four different SSB lines about no text response. I say I am a big-boy, if she's not interested there's other dancers. She wants me on tap for tonight's money, so it's more SSB about how she wants to keep seeing me OTC. Again, call her on it. Ok, then lets go to a swingers club next Saturday night so we can have some interesting playtime. Oh yes, she's SO down for that. Over three hours … and for a measly three of 2/$40 private dances ($75 to her) she tells me anything I want to hear. I don't have to spend much anyway, since I know she's had a bad night up to now and if there was bigger game in the house, she'd be gone. Now she has SO dug such a SSB hole. After I leave she Twitters to say that I was almost all the money she made that night. On Thursday I text to confirm our swingers club Saturday date. No response, of course. Now if I go into the club next week, after our date that didn't happen, she'll SSB endlessly about why I didn't hear back, why she didn't turn up. Instead, I visit the club the very next night, Friday night, the night BEFORE the supposed Saturday date. Because this is the box-in. As expected, she ignores me, she's in the sulking space. She can't speak to me, because I'll demand to set the Saturday plans face to face, and then when she doesn't show it'll lead to an unbelievable level of SSB. So it's checkmate. In the meantime, I table dance it up with other new-found strippers, making plain I have no problem replacing her. She's dodging me, thinking I came in to force the Saturday night issue. The reality is I already know it's not going to happen, and I am there to box her in on her bullshit … while I look for her replacement.

I am going to presume she's been babbling in the dressing room. And that this is what she's saying. "He spent a ton of money on a stripper he took to Vegas. They saw shows and went to fancy restaurants and had some very wild sexual adventures. He bought dances from me twice. I went OTC with him and he bought me some nice shit. But he wasn't good for a horse on the first date. He wanted to go have some hot sex at a swingers club but I didn't want to go. So now I'm finished with him and he's looking for another stripper." That's EXACTLY the kind of advertising I like to have circulating in a stripper dressing room. Thank you, Catalina. Maybe that's why I collected two more new stripper phone numbers that Friday night, one with a text from a twenty-FOUR year-old stripper that says "looking forward to hanging out with you soon."

Btw, within days, Catalina's Twitter said she just went to RENT her own horse. Don't forget the cost of hay, Catalina. Because, in the long run, SSB won't bank it. You'll actually have to WORK for it.

Calling out strippers for their SSB behaviors will cause many of them to just avoid you with a sulking demeanor. Don't let that get you down. Again, it's good riddance, they just want S4N. In the long run calling out SSB will deliver to you a better type of stripper, one who will play other naive johns for bank, then come back to you for the kind of mature and knowledgeable ITC attention and OTC adventures those johns can't offer them.