Let's imagine Jason Vorhees hitting the strip clubs...
All his reviews made on Friday the 13ths, always with a unique slasher's biased point of view like "this club was wack. First of all, took me only 1 and a half moves to completely fold their 300-lb bouncer..."
There was an old porn flick named Edward Penishands - or Edward Dildohands. A misunderstood young guy - with giant dildos instead of hands. Loosely based on a Tim Burton film. Your post reminded me of that.