Jokes Thread
shailynn
They never tell you what you need to know.
The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"
The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"
The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"
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Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..
Friends.
A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.
Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!" All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom. The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please." The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.
When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...
Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!". All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."
Eric gets home late one night and Sarah, his wife, asks “where the hell have you been” Eric replies “I’ve been out getting a tattoo”
“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” She said shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would an Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how my money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a 100 bucks any time you want”
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery." The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?" "Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back." The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man. "Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says. The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car." The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
Wife: My tits are to small I want to pay for an augmentation.
Hubby: so how much will that cost?
Wife: $5,000
Hubby: $5,000 hell no I ain't no a way you can get bigger tits for free.
Wife: oh yeah what do I got to do?
Hubby: it's simple all you have to do is go to the bathroom two or three times a day grab some toilet paper and wipe it between your cleavage and your tits will get bigger
Wife: that's fucking stupid, what makes you think that will make my tits bigger
Hubby: because I've seen what it's done to your ass
And they started bragging to each other about their exploits
Porn star 1 said: “Girls, I’m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.”
Porn star 2 then said: “Pshhh! You’re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.”
Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn’t even blink. She just said “girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn’t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.”
After God made Adam and Eve came to visit to check up on them make sure everything was going well. God finds Adam and starts asking a few light questions
God: So Adam how you liking the Garden of Eden so far
Adam: oh it's wonderful hey particularly like those things that move around on four legs
God: yes those are animals, and you are their master
Adam: And those tall brown things with the green things on them
God: yes trees, remember to stay away from the apple tree like I discussed earlier, which reminds me where is Eve
Adam: she's out in that big blue wet thing she said it's relaxing
God: The ocean? Adam I told you not to let me in the ocean, now all the fish are going to smell that way
St Pete: welcome to heaven where all your questions get answered
Zebra: that's great I've had a question that been plaguing me for years. Am I white with black stripes or am I black with white stripes?
St Pete: wow that's a really good question and I don't know the answer to that one you'll have to go ask God himself
And so St Peter send the Zebra off to go ask God that particularly difficult questions. A little later St Peter runs into the zebra...
St Pete: hi zebra I was just thinking about you so what was God's answer
Zebra: yeah so I asked God am I white with black stripes or am I black with white stripes and God answered back "you are what you are"
Perpelexed St Peter asked
St Pete: okay I need to know exactly how it happened so I can understand what the answer means
Zebra: so I saw God I kneeled and ask God directly am I white with black stripes or am I black with white stripes and God answered back "you are what you are"
St Pete: Hmm, "you are what you are", hmm ok that must mean you are White with black stripes, because if you were Black with white stripes he would have said "you is what you is"
A When her brother's dick tastes like shit.
God: The ocean? Adam I told you not to let HER in the ocean, now all the fish are going to smell that way!
For his First Act he got an alligators to balance on a ball
For his second act he got two alligators to jump through hoops of Fire
Trainer: Now for my final and most daring Act I'm going to pull my dick out, stick it in the alligator's mouth hit in the head as hard as I can and I promise you it will not shut its mouth
So the trainer grabs one alligator what's his dick out sticks it in the alligator's mouth hits the alligator as hard as he can and the alligator does not close it's mouth
To prove it wasn't a fluke, he grabbed another alligator put his dick in it's mouth, hit its head as hard as he could and the alligator didn't shut its mouth
Trainer: isn't that amazing. Is there anyone in the audience who is brave enough to try this feat?
A pudgy bald gentleman in the back row raised his hand...
Pudgy: okay I will try it but please don't hit me on my head so hard
The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them are in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine .... in fact a politician has only two parts - an asshole and a mouth ...
.... and best of all both are interchangeable.
At the 14th tee the guy hooks the ball out into a field of buttercups. He tramples over the buttercups and finally finds his ball and picks it up. Just then Mother Nature appears. She thunders at him, "You have trampled my buttercups. And because of this you will never eat butter again!"
The guy walks back to the tee where his friend has been observing the situation. The friend says, "That was terrifying."
The guy says, "Yes but it could have been worse."
The friend replies, "How could it have been worse? You hooked the ball out into a field of buttercups. You tramped over the buttercups to find your ball. Then Mother Nature appears and says, 'You have trampled my buttercups. And because of this you will never eat butter again!' How could it be worse?"
The guy replies, "Well, I could have sliced the ball into that field of pussy willows."