the Sunday funnies

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going! Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:) Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time! Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don't Multiply! Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?A: If she has to chew before she can swallow. Q: Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?A: The one that says IDAHO! Q: What did the penis say to the condom?A: Cover me im going in! A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?A: Call her and tell her. Q: What's the difference between you and eggs?A: Eggs get laid and you don't Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop" Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?A: She's the one with the dirty knees. Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener. How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her! Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. What do you call a woman with two brain cells?Pregnant. Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake. What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken. Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A: Ask your mother! Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it." What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q: How do you properly fuck a fat woman?A: Role her around in flower and find the wet spot! Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?( "I don't know what?" ) You don't know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow? What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?The man. Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A: A cherry float. Q: What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up. Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A: To find a tight seal. Q: What's the difference between light and hard?A: You can sleep with a light on. Q: How do mermaids reproduce?A: Seamen. Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Why do men have a hole in their penis?So their brains can get some oxygen now and then. Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?A: So they can piss & moan at ths same time! Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick! Q: How is sex like air?A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?A: Her knees. Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?A: Sex. Q: What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day?A: We're Closed, Beat It! Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun. Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?A: They are both meat substitutes. Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out. Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?A: A clit around the ear and a flap across the face! Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert! Q: What do a good employee and a lousy lover have in common?A: They're always coming early. Q: What's the smallest hotel in the world?A: a pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside. Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?A: a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone. Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob. A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob. Q: What do you call a whore with her own car?A: Feels on Wheels! Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A: He wiped his ass Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?A: You either need a good partner or a good hand. A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor. Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions. If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose. Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick. Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere. Q: What do blondes say after sex?A: "Thanks, guys!". Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat! Q: What do you call it when a guy cums in his hands, then claps?A: a baby shower! Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?A: Cumming of Age. Q: What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?A: In each scenario there was a DUMBASS who didn't take it out in time. Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?A: The sex is the same but you get to use the remote. Q: What is similarity between woman and mobile?A: They both are charged at night. Q: What did the Banana say to the Vibrator?A: Why are you laughing? I'm the one going to be eaten.