(Slightly Off Topic) Tales From The Darkside-Funny and True

E was working medical at his volunteer fire station when he got dispatched (flow of traffic) for testicular pain and priapism. Enroute he finds out that an officer will meet him and his partner there.

They show up, and an officer meets them at the door. The officer has a pretty bewildered look on his face, and leads them to an upstairs bathroom. There, E finds an elderly man seated on the toilet with a MASSIVE (~4cm) edema at the base of his extremely erect penis. There's a decent (~2mm) puncture wound in the middle of the edema, and pus and blood are oozing into the toilet from the wound. The contents of the toilet are a pink mess.

After prodding around for a while, they finally manage to get a story out of this guy. The patient had been getting a little bored with his sex life lately, and he'd hatched a brilliant plan to improve it. He, through his infinite wisdom and cunning, managed to break into the EMS room of a local hospital, where he stole a filter needle and a 20cc syringe. He went home and went to work: he crushed up his entire remaining bottle of viagra and mixed it some water from the tap. He drew it into the syringe, and - you guessed it - injected it into the base of his penis!

Both E's partner and the officer were laughing so hard that they had to leave. As for E, he was laughing pretty hard too, but SOMEONE had to stay with this guy!
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I remember hearing of a local call years ago where a lady (we'll use that term loosely) was masturbating with a beer bottle, and created quite a vacuum, and couldn't get it out. They used a spring punch to blow the bottom out, and release the vacuum.

I also heard of a local call where a guy was drunk and jumping the wrought-iron fence around the local museum; on one jump, he landed a little short, impaling his rectum on one of those arrowhead-shaped posts. They had to cut the post off with a hacksaw, and take him to the ER with the thing still stuck in him. OUCH!

Years ago, we were coming back from a house fire, and I was riding the tailboard (back when we did such foolish things) standing on some rolled wet hose. The driver pulled into the station and hit the brakes. I went up in the air, and came down, catching the hosebed divider dead-nuts (pun intended) in the scrotum. I hit the floor like a rock. One of the guys went and got one of the EMT's, who couldn't help laughing.

"Damn, Mike," he said, "I wish I could help you, but they didn't teach us how to help cracked nuts. I can always call a truck for you if you want to go to the ER." I just waited until I could breathe normally again, and went home.
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This call happened a couple of months ago, while working with a girl named Candi.

Anyhow, its Sunday Evening and we had just gone in service, and was heading down the road to our post for the evening.

“Dispatch to 386” says the radio…( 1st ominous sign that bad things are coming is when the dispatcher is giggling in the back ground, and you hear flat out laughter in the back ground )

So, it is with some hesitation that I pick up the hand mike….”386 ?”

“386, you are dispatched to the Pharmacy @ the corner of Walk, and Don't Walk, for an unknown problem, man down, contact store manager for more information “ ( road names have been changed to protect the identity of the Patient, or should I say Moron )

So we arrive on scene, and walk in the front door, where we receive the 2nd ominous sign that things are going to be interesting. It has generally been my experience that most civilians love to “give you report” and use every stupid saying they ever heard while watching their favorite episode of “ER”, “Grey's Anatomy” or any of a number of Hospital drama TV shows.

Well, the folks at the Pharmacy just wave, point to he back of the store, and say “ she's in the bathroom….Good Luck !! “ oh, you know this is going to be bad !!

About an aisle or 2 from the bathroom, we hear this yelling coming from the bathroom…

“ Oh Lordy Jesus !! Get it out, GET IT OUT…Oh Lordy Jesus, Save me, GET IT OUT !! “ ( or what we call the O-L-J's )

So I'm thinking what in the HELL is going on in there !!

I slowly open the door and peek in…you know scene safety ? And laying on the floor, in the middle of the bathroom, naked from the waist down is an approx 350 pound black lady. And ( just in case the naked, in the middle of the floor thing wasn't bizarre enough ) is the box and wrappings for an Enema. So now I am inventorying the Enema apparatus….Box, Check…. Wrappers, Check….Bottle thingy with the fluid in it, Check….applicator tip ? applicator tip….anybody see the applicator tip ? please do not let that be what is stuck…..oh thank God there it is….Enema stuff is all present and accounted for. Oh, it should be noted that this whole time Candi is hiding behind me…thanks Candi, ‘preciate the help on that one !!

So, I walk on in, and squat / knell next to the lady and ask her what is wrong.

Enema Woman grabs my ankle and looks at me and yells…”GET IT OUT” Naturally my curiosity is piqued, and I got to know…”what do you need help getting out, and where is it stuck at ?” I had to ask…damn curiosity.

“THE TURD” she yells.

Well for those of you who know me I am seldom at a loss for words, but as I knelt there in the Bathroom of the Pharmacy, next to the naked 350-pound lady, with Enema paraphernalia all around me, I have to be honest, words escaped me.

Now, comes a different voice, a younger voice, and not the one of my partner, nor of Enema Woman.

“can you help her Mister, can you help my momma ? “

WTF

Enema Woman's 15 year old mentally challenged son is in there with us, and has been the whole time !!

So I finally come to my senses…..”NO, I can not help you get the turd out”

Enema Woman then asks if I can give her the Enema….”absolutely not”, “ I can give you a ride to the Hospital”

Her : “ambulance rides are expensive”

Me : “yes they are, but I'm sure we can work things out !”

Her : “ are you sure you can't get the turd out”

Me : “ yes I am sure” ( which really means “you want me to do WHAT ?” )

Her : “you can't give me the Enema?”

Me : “outside my protocols Ma'am! “ ( means “HELL NO” )

Her : “What Can you do for me ?”

Me : “Give you a ride to the hospital”

Her : “can you help me back on the toilet”

Me : “Yes, I can do that”

Eventually the lady decides not to go to the hospital, we document the refusal; leave her sitting on the toilet. Contemplating the virtues of a fiber rich diet, and head on out the door.

Candi says : “you know we are coming back for her ?”

“Yup, but if we drive real fast and get to post, it will be somebody else's problem !!”

Well about 3 minutes down the road, the radio comes to life…

“386” lots of laughter and carrying on in the back ground”

Candi mutters expletives under her breath, and starts to do a U turn, long before we actually answered the radio.

I pick up the hand mike, shake my head “386”

The dispatcher merely says, “ she wants to go to the hospital now” no address, no call type, no nada, we all know who wants to go to the hospital !

So back to the bathroom we go. Nothing can phase me, I know what to expect.

Holy ****, there's another Enema wrapper !!

“Candi, Vitals enroute, hell every thing enroute, we got to move fast on this one, if those enemas kick in during transport, we will never get the stink out the back of that truck !! “

So, the PT is loaded to the cot, and wheeled out to the ambulance, past the manager who said..

“enemas are on the house “ (she didn't even pay for them !! )

PT is loaded into the ambulance, and off to the ER we go.

Thank God her constipation was stronger than 2 enema's, because we made it safe and sound to the ER.

Had a conversation about fiber, a balanced diet and the like on the way to the hospital. Can you believe she never even heard of dietary Fiber ?

Anyhow, the Nurse's gave me some pretty filthy looks the next trip to the ER, apparently Enema Woman lasted about another 5 minute after I dropped her off !!

I'm not especially well received at the ER anymore, especially amongst the house keeping staff…I believe MT. Vesuvius and Exorcism were used to describe the events in that room when the enemas finally kicked in !!