Obama Introduces Anti-Earthquake Legislation

Noting the recent upswing in devastating earthquakes, "No doubt caused by Global Warming", President Obama today called for "Bump and Grind" legislation. In the Bump and Grind act, Americans will be required to register with the federal government. Once registered, Americans will be told if and when they can have sex.



"Those fatasses, overeating, are causing quakes when they have sex", Obama continued, "the earth's tectonic plates can't take the strain."



The Bump and Grind act will enact a five thousand percent tax on every food, except broccolli. "I know Bush hated Broccolli" Obama explained, "so this bill is big time payback." The tax will go to the federal government to pay for the registry, which will install cameras in every single inch of America.



The act also has penalties for those defying the sex ban. First time offenders will be required to watch eight solid hours of Pauley Shore movies. Further infactions will move on to more draconian punishment, like watching Chevy Chase movies.