Noting the recent upswing in devastating earthquakes, "No doubt caused by Global Warming", President Obama today called for "Bump and Grind" legislation. In the Bump and Grind act, Americans will be required to register with the federal government. Once registered, Americans will be told if and when they can have sex.
"Those fatasses, overeating, are causing quakes when they have sex", Obama continued, "the earth's tectonic plates can't take the strain."
The Bump and Grind act will enact a five thousand percent tax on every food, except broccolli. "I know Bush hated Broccolli" Obama explained, "so this bill is big time payback." The tax will go to the federal government to pay for the registry, which will install cameras in every single inch of America.
The act also has penalties for those defying the sex ban. First time offenders will be required to watch eight solid hours of Pauley Shore movies. Further infactions will move on to more draconian punishment, like watching Chevy Chase movies.
You forgot the part where the taxes to pay off the 5 trillion dollars in additional debt to buy all the cameras to spy on you and the public start to kick in the year 2012? Why then?, he'll be long gone. Don't worry, you'll have the rest of your life to pay off the debt, then your kids can work on paying off the debt. At least you can have the satisfaction of knowing that the government knows if you wiped your a.. or not with all the extra government cameras. shhh, I shouldn't have mentioned that. Now the government will think about adding a tax for every single sheet of toilet tissue. They can really clean up then.