The "Lesbian Devil"

Now, I know what some of you are thinking...”It’s true! I knew it!!” or maybe “I totally understand her frustration. I just don’t like her tactics.”

 

Liberals might say, “Well, if it is a Republican baby she’s eating, perhaps she will stand up to the right-wingers after all. I can’t think of a better way to stop them than to make sure that they don’t make it to voting age.”

 

Still others might opine, “I don’t know. This whole baby eating thing seems like it would make some people uncomfortable, though. And let’s be honest, it’s border-line rude too.

 

Initial supporters of Hillary might wonder, “I’m beginning to feel tricked. Do you really thing she’d put that kind of plan out there?”

 

Some Democrats might bloviate, “The only way it would work is at the federal level. I could see some pro-lifers having some problems with it. Will Muslim babies be eaten? Will white racists refuse to eat black babies? There have to be some sort of standards, man. Do not fight with me on this, you will lose. You can unfurl all the banners you want that say, ‘Eat local babies’, but you will lose on this. Trust me.”

 

Some cynics might add, “As long as the babies are out of the uterus when you eat them, the anti-abortion crowd won’t give two shits about them...”

 

To which some optimists might reply, “Alright! With that out of the way, we’ve cleared a large hurdle. We will get bipartisan support!”

 

But I say this, “Mmmmmm...we all know that nothing tastes better than fresh, young baby, especially when it’s washed down with a tasty beverage like Coke! It puts a new twist on the phrase ‘Get ‘em while they’re young...’ I’m on my way to the market right now...”

 

Hey, I was off my meds that day...give me a break...  

 

The Clinton campaign might respond to this picture by saying, “We would like to state that Senator Clinton was merely trying to internalize the feelings and concerns of young Americans so she may enact the change that they demand once she gets to the White House.”

 

Upon further though, this photo is pretty tame when compared to most of the doctored photos I’ve seen of Hillary on the Internets. Most of them involve her, ummm, "caucusing" with large numbers of male voters while showing them, ummm, her "stripped-down" versions of plans that will, ummm, make them feel better about voting for her...wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more...

 

This also reminds me of apparently why Gerber baby foods didn’t sell too well initially when they were introduced into parts of Africa. Apparently, they have a tradition of putting pictures on the labels of food representing what’s in the jar.

 

Additionally, this would be an excellent opportunity for me to point out something that I coincidentally saw highlighted recently in several right-wing blogs:

I love the dark, overcast skies and the quick, MTV-like cuts in the trailers. For those that are politically savvy, “I don’t think that Dick Armey, Michael Barone, Tony Blankley, Dan Burton, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrinch, Larry Kudlow, Michael Medved, Dick Morris, Bob Novak, Kate O’Beirne, Emmett Tyrrell Jr., and Kathleen Willey could be wrong, could they?! Oh wait, maybe then can...”  

 

But I digress, and I think I’ve muddied the issue here. Let me stick to the issue of baby eating.

 

I don’t know about you, but I was raised on the phrase, "Brown eggs are local eggs, and local eggs are fresh!" Local babies are fresh babies...would you rather have a frozen, West-coast baby than one of our own, locally-grown, organic babies? I utterly reject the notion that test tube babies can eventually replace babies that are made the all-natural way.

 

Furthermore, what would you rather have Senator Clinton do? Eat illegal immigrant babies? Foreign babies? Iranian babies? North Korean babies!? No sir, every time that we eat one of those cheap, Japanese-import babies...we hurt the American baby economy!! 

 

I must state emphatically...American babies are the sweetest, best-tasting babies in the world, and I’ll scratch the eyes out of whoever disagrees with me!

 

Hillary Clinton ‘08. Eat American babies first!!

 

OK, let’s stick to the facts here. Who will best represent the cannibalistic-wing of the Democratic Party? 

 

John Edwards? No ma’am. Barrack Obama? Whatcha talkin’ about Willis? John Kerry? He was for eating babies before he was against eating babies. Al Gore? He thinks that he invented babies. We all know where babies come from people...they come from the stork.

 

I know for a fact that Hillary Clinton loves babies...for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...and an occasional snack if she’s feeling peckish. Hillary Clinton doesn’t just talk about eating babies...she has a tested, proven, 35+ year track record of eating babies. She was eating babies when Edwards and Obama were in diapers. As a matter of fact, the only mistake that she has made in her life-long campaign to be President is NOT eating Edwards and Obama when they were babies. I promise you that she has learned from her past mistakes.

 

Where is George W. Bush on this issue? He can’t even spell the word "baby". Dan Quayle? He spells baby with a silent "e" at the end of it. Nancy Reagan? "Just say No." The rest of the GOP candidates for President? All eerily silent...most likely they are conspiring with their friends at Wal-Mart to flood the American market with Chinese babies. Let me tell you...I’ve eaten Chinese baby before, and I was hungry a half-an-hour later. American babies satisfy you all day long!

 

And let me tell you that those rumors that the Clintons were flying Columbian babies into a small, Arkansas airport at night during in the 1980’s were unsubstantiated lies. Completely false. 

 

Hillary Clinton ‘08. A fresh, American baby in every pot.  

 

I can see the confusion on all your faces out there. No really...I can actually see through your computer screen. Nice fake tan there...now go put some clothes on pervert.

 

I can hear you too...saying, “There you go again...you Clinton surrogates with the race-baiting again. You think we don’t see the Obama------->Africa---->cannibal connection here? It’s okay if Clinton eats babies, but you’re inferring something else here. And you’re also playing gender politics...because she’s a woman, perhaps it’s more acceptable for her to eat the babies...we’re onto you and your dirty tricks.”

 

So, I respond to you, “Come now...let’s not confuse the issue with facts. Can’t we just stick to pontificating upon things based upon our own, ill-informed opinions? Ignorance is bliss!”  

 

Hillary Clinton ’08. Because it’s inevitable, or something like that.

 

 

 

Now that I’ve got your attention, can I get serious for a moment or two?

 

OK then, let’s briefly review the established record of the Clintons:

-pro-gun control

-pro-choice

-family and medical leave

-AmeriCorps

-increased minimum wage

-liberal or moderate judges on the Supreme Court

-"balancing" the budget (I know they used part of the Social Security surplus to do that, but you can blame President Johnson for the unified federal budget theory)

-a fairer and more progressive tax structure (increases on the rich and decreases for everyone else)

-no endless, completely unnecessary wars

I could go on and on...you all remember the 1990s right? I know we can never really "go back" to another time (and I don’t want to), but come on...

 

I know the Clintons aren’t perfect...either personally or politically...I didn’t like what they did to Welfare along with the GOP, and I was disappointed that they botched health care reform (there’s a real chance we can get health care done right now though). The Clintons don’t govern as liberal as I’d like them to be (or I think even they’d like to be given the political realities of this nation), but they have a proven track record of real, positive, progressive change for the better I think. 

 

What we want I think is change from Bush...not change just for the sake of change. I don’t buy at all that Clinton is "Bush-lite". I like Edwards (and even voted for him after my boy Dean dropped out in 2004), but he brings nothing to the table to get anything done. He couldn’t have even won a second term in the Senate in NC if he wanted to, he botched grilling Cheney in 2004 like the dog that he is, and he doesn’t have the cred to carry any southern states.

 

I have no problem being a good Democrat and voting for their nominee in November, but let’s not repeat 2004 again...ugh...

 

I know that Clinton also gave us NAFTA, and DOMA, two really bad pieces of legislation IMO. DOMA was the GOP though...Clinton just signed it because he basically had to. The GOP would have raked him over the coals even more if he didn’t..."What...you don’t want to ‘defend’ marriage?!" I don’t mind NAFTA that much (I’m a liberal free/fair trader actually), but there need to be better protections for unions and the environment in future trade deals.

 

There was a right-wing backlash against the Clintons in 1994 after they raised taxes to help balance the budget and then they overreached on health care. Things are different now...we’ve tried "supply-side" economics twice now (under a Democratic and GOP Congress) in the last 30 years, and it’s failed every time.

 

So, I’m for Hillary Clinton in 2008. It’s waaaay past time that we elected a woman to be President. Look at the messes that all those white guys have gotten us in so far.      Remember to vote, no matter who you want to vote for, this year!

 

I’d like to thank my liberal blogging friends in my state for a lot of the above comedy material. A lot of it I wrote myself though...