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JAprufrock

Did desertscrub's mom suck you dry, too?

Everyone has said “I wish I knew then what I know now” at some point in their lives. I imagine most people wish they would have started doing some things sooner in life.

After my marriage dissolved six years ago, I was a mess for about three years. Had no motivation to do anything or talk to anybody and kept everything inside of me.

Then, about three years ago, at age 50, I had sort of an epiphany. I began living life again and doing some things I should have started doing immediately after my breakup, if not before.

It began with one thing and led to another. And I feel much better now.

I don't discuss this with friends, family, co-workers, anybody. But talking about these things anonymously on TUSCL provides an outlet.

So, here's a list of 10 things I wish I would have done sooner, in reverse order of importance:

10. Stop playing video games: I wasted too much time playing video games after my break-up. I felt like a stripper's boyfriend, minus the access to pussy, the unemployment checks and empty Doritos bags. I've played maybe once in the past year. Now I use my PlayStation only for accessing porn, as it should be.

9. Switch from tidy whities to black briefs: Chicks dig black briefs. At least that's what the ones I've paid for sex tell me.

8. Body spray and lotion: I smell better and my skin is no longer dry. I'm hoping this gets me laid one day without having to pay for it.

7. Smooth shaven: I've lost the beard for a smooth-shaven look. Feel and look younger.

6. Remove body hair from shoulders to crotch: I started using hair remover cream on my shoulders, back, chest, arms and crotch and the babes love the smooth look and feel. At least that's what I'm told by the ones who work the erotic massage parlors I've frequented.

5. Enjoying a cold one: I had stopped drinking for a long time but now I'm enjoying a cold beer, or several, on a Friday night (sometimes Saturday). I don't get shit-faced drunk and always make sure I have only two when I'm driving.

4. Less junk food: I rarely eat fast food anymore, only when I'm traveling or pressed for time. It saves money and I'm healthier and lighter as a result. I don't cook much, so I go to Costco and stock up. They have great frozen foods I'd highly recommend: Fish, shrimp, burgers, chicken strips, ravioli, burritos, pizza and more.

3. Nude beaches: Love being naked outdoors under a warm sun. Have visited Gunnison Beach in New Jersey once and Haulover Beach in South Florida several times the past few years.

2. Mongering: I spent several years without female companionship of any kind following my breakup. Was still holding out hope for a reconciliation that I now know will never materialize. I'm not a big fan of U.S. strip clubs due to lack of value and not wanting to do anything illegal. Thanks to TUSCL, I discovered the joys of Tijuana. Been to Club Hong twice and Allure Massage near Toronto a couple of times. I'm hoping destinations such as Colombia, Costa Rica and Germany (FKK clubs) are in my future as well.

1. Exercise: By far the No. 1 thing I wish I would have done sooner. I worked out in the past, but not to this extent. I'm in the gym almost every day, lifting and doing cardio and I've lost a lot of weight. I feel great and get complimented often. It has done a world of good for my self-esteem, which had practically bottomed out, and has increased my confidence exponentially. I can't recommend this enough.

I'm sure I'll add to the list in the years to come. Better late than never.