There are strip clubs around the...

There are strip clubs around the country that are cheaper, much cheaper. There are strip clubs that are around the country that will provide more extras, much more. There are strip clubs that are, quite frankly, better, assuming the criteria you evaluate such places align with that of a demented sicko like me. However, if you are an aficionado both of strip clubs and the culture of stripclubbing, you need to put Tootsie’s Cabaret of Miami on your bucket list. You have never seen anything like it – well, in my humble opinion anyway – and like it or hate it, you will be a better strip club hound, and a better person, once you experience it for yourself.

First of all, I have never seen a bigger club in my life. Well north of downtown Miami, Tootsie’s is housed in a space that’s bigger than a warehouse and smaller than an airplane hangar. It shares the building with a company that has a lot of trucks, so even though valet parking is kind of pushed on you if you drive up to the front door, there is ample parking if you’re willing to walk, like, half a football field. There are no lights on at night, but I think it was the stereotypes I had about Miami after dark that made me go back to my car at a rate faster than a walk but slower than a run.

These huge automatic glass doors open up. The desk where you pay admission is to the left. Walk the thirty yards down the wide hallway doesn’t prepare you for what you will see: A huge carnival of humanity, some of it beautiful and naked, that looks like Hieronymus Bosch’s The Garden of Earthly Delights brought to life. I don’t live in Dallas or Las Vegas, so I’m not used to these mega-stripclubs, but damn, I could get used to this!