Time Machine set to 1987

It’s time to get in your DeLorean and head to 1987: that halcyoned, bygone golden era before the internet and high mileage lap dances, when hot dancers danced to music played by men that.... kind of looked like strippers.

I visited San Jose’s New Spearmint Rhino on a rainy Tuesday night. I could hear LOUD music blasting through the walls, so I was surprised to find that the place was TOTALLY EMPTY. This may have been because the San Jose Sharks were playing a home game down the street. I was met and screened by security at the door. The very friendly Guard made me empty my pockets and scanned me with a metal detector that caught everything, including various metal parts I have surgically collected through the years. The club is in a very large converted turn-of-the-century bank building: think Roman columns, marble patterned walls, high vaulted ceilings. It is probably one of the more visually posh clubs I have been to. Walking in, seeing the architecture and dancers made me feel like I was in a Gladiator Movie. I walked in and purchased the first of three drinks. As far as I could tell, there was no drink minimum. I had a basic vodka soda that cost $12.00. I am generally not a drinker, but I felt bad that literally ALL of the income the house and dancers would take in over the next hour would come from me. I sat at the stage and watched the show. I felt bad that I was the only patron in the place, so I tipped heavier than I normally would. There were four dancers. Each dancer performed for three songs. The stage is large and made polished black granite. After the first cycle of dances finished, I went back to the bar and reloaded. A very pretty, VERY tattooed emo Latina girl greeted me and explained the pricing structure. If you want a lap dance, sit in one of the couches, pay the girl $20.00 and you get one song. I lucked out, because a song had just started, and she didn’t start the clock until the next song, so I got a two for one. The public table/lap dances are very reminiscent of lap dances back in the 90’s. It was good, friendly, athletic, but also very tame, They have a private VIP in the back for $140 for 15 minutes. There is a discount if you buy more time. The money is collected by a club employee and a large chunk immediately goes to the club. The dancer is paid her share right there. The VIP booths are spacious and clean, but more well lit than other places. The private dance involved more contact, but if you’re used to high mileage east coast clubs, you’ll be disappointed. San Jose has very tight regulations: the girls can not fully undress, and when they go topless, they are covered with pasties. There is mutual, albeit “incidental” touch. Personally, I kind of liked it because the Romanesque decor and pastries gave kind of a nostalgic vibe. There was a very good mix of music from modern pop, hip hop, and good old 80’s glam metal. Again, it was very nostalgic seeing girls in pasties actually dancing (as opposed to slow motion grinding) to Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls.” There was a good mix of dancers that would satisfy a variety of tatstes. Most of the dancers were very good, with Ms.”Bace” demonstrating very advanced pole techniques. She also had a very good, energetic attitude and smiled a lot. One dancer was very young, tall, and wore 6 inch pumps and had trouble walking on the granite stage. Think new born deer trying to stand. She was also endearingly shy, often giggling and covering up her face. Most of her dance was laying on the floor or hugging the wall so she wouldn’t slip. She attempted the pole, but has not been a performer long enough to develop the arm and leg strength required to work it. But, if you’re into 6 foot, slender, red headed Viking Shield Maidens, then catch her now before she gives up dancing and goes back finish her college. There was absolutely no pressure to table dances or lap dances. There was very little upsell: they presented you the options, you pick what you want, and they give you exactly what you paid for. I left a very satisfied customer, and the guard gave free admission passes for my next visit.

Here’s the deal: if you’re looking for high mileage clubs, then San Jose is probably not a place to go. Buy a plane ticket to the East Coast or Deep South. However, if you want a very clean, posh environment, with friendly, competent, enthusiastic and exceptionally attractive dancers, and want to experience what clubbing was like in a bygone, pre-internet, and frankly, more civilized era, than I would highly recommend San Jose’s Spearmint Rhino.