Mos Eisley Spaceport of strip clubs

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."

To say Sam's Hofbrau is a different kind of club insults the word different. Perhaps if you are looking for "variety" then this is it. I was visiting LA with my buddies who have been to many high end clubs with me before. We typically get a table and bottle service. Went to Sams on a Saturday night based on the high ratings here. We were...um...misled. We did pay $200 for a table and sat. There were "women" of all shapes and sizes. We later learned that big asses are the trademark of the place. Well, there must have been a contest that night apparently. This anaconda don't want any of the women here. I swear we saw two women who must have been dudes only months before. There was a very interesting bald woman on the stage as well. The only thing we didn't find was a dwarf. We tried.

Since we were pot committed we decided to stay and make the most of the entertainment. Fortunately the only hot woman in the house, the beautiful Jasmine, came to our table and spent the evening with us as a form of protection. Jasmine is a lovely, petite beauty with killer eyes. Short dances with her were 20 with limited contact. There was no private room and all the dances are on the tables in the open. The place gets crowded and there was a disturbing ex-con type staring at the girls on our table for a while. Remember the creepy guy from Shawshank Redemption who actually killed Andy dufrenes' wife? That was him. Worst of all there was no nudity on the floor. In fact the only time we saw breasts was in the freakshow on the stage. The drinks had no alcohol at all and the waitresses told us to argue with the managers if we didn't like them.