This club is way out in...

This club is way out in the northeast industrial section of Des Moines - about a 15 minutes drive from downtown. It's an unnecessarily large, almost barn-sized building, with an over-sized parking lot and plenty of exterior flood lighting. (If they ever go out of business, Bass Pro Shops could easily move in.) The interior is divided into several different levels: there's a bi-level stage, with a big stage and plenty of stage-side seating at the top, and smaller stage with limited seating below. A large staircase leads up to some sort of off-limits stripper dressing room, and other sets of stairs lead you down several levels to a private dance area and VIP rooms. There a many mega-tron jumbo-screens playing sports, a scattering of neon, a vaulted ceiling and the vague sense of an endeavor at a rustic lodge feel. This place would never make it in Vegas, in terms of ambiance, but at least gets some points attempting that kind of scale.

I've been to The Lumberyard late in the evening, and it has always been so packed you can't even find a seat. On this trip it was around 7:00 when I showed up, and the place was still largely deserted. I sat through a couple a stage dances - both of the girls were in the early 20s, fit, attractive, and quite friendly. One, a petite blond with small boobs, claimed she worked as a welder six days a week and just danced occasionally for extra money. (The story seemed a little far-fetched, but after all - this is Iowa - and girls are tough.)

At this point in the evening the girls were doing three-song sets, followed by two songs with no dancer. With roughly one female form to ogle every fifteen minutes, the experience was hardly a sensory overload. Just as I was beginning to nod off, a girl approached me for a private dance. I asked her how much, and she replied $40, which struck me as the high-end of reasonable. Then I asked her what all was involved. To that she matter-of-factually stated, "me naked, touching your p----." I've always been leery of dancers who promise things they can't necessarily deliver, like a "trip to paradise" or "pure ecstasy". This girl's words, on the other hand, were far too specific to brush off.