Could be the best, but it's close to the worst
Spoiler alert, I REALLY wanted to have a good time, and I believe this club has so much potential. But it clearly has a management problem because it really couldn't be worse.
I love the location of this club. It's just about outside of the suburbs, and not too far from Cleveland airport. The building is a fancy strip mall style, right next to an apartment building named the Inner Circle. The fantasies begin right there, as I wonder how many of the girls from the club actually live right next door. (This would be such an opportunity to pimp out those apartments and market it as a hip swinger paradise.)
Sometimes driving by in the early evening, I see some of the girls outside and it gets my attention. I remember a day last summer when there were about three of them standing out there smoking and talking to a couple of customers. The girls were all in black thigh high boots. I would have pulled right in and said hello, had my wife not been in the car next to me lol.
So I had a chance early this summer to get out here. Was visiting a friend and left his place early, wife did not expect me for a few more hours. I thought, "Tonight is my night," and I drove out there with such excitement.
My friend lives about 12 minutes from the club. That drive felt like an eternity! My palms were sweating, I was filled with such excitement. I made sure to have a lot of cash on me and was hoping to go VIP. I loved the thought that I was a happily married man, but that I was going to treat myself to a night at a local club.
There's parking right in front, which is along the main road. I opted to go straight, on the left side of the building, where there is an incline and you can park on the side right there. I didn't want anyone to recognize my car, so this was a better spot. Got out and walked up to the door with a big smile I couldn't erase. I was going to a strip club! I LOVE strip clubs!
They have purple lights that add to the excitement when you walk up to the white building. "This is going to be a great night!" I thought. I open the door with confidence and excitement.
So right inside the tinted doors is the reception desk. There's a girl there to check ID and take your cover. Now here is where the first letdown happened. In fact, me opening that outer door? SPOILER! That was the most exciting moment of Christie's Brunswick! It was all downhill from there.
I understand that tattoos are commonplace now. Seems like everybody has them. I would be dreaming if I expected to go to a strip bar today and see girls like the good old days, where few if any girls had tattoos. Today, I know, the majority do. It's too bad. I think it looks terrible on any woman. So I was greeted by a woman who had a PAINTING across her torso. I don't know what the image was. It could have been anything. I was just too grossed out by it. And of course random drawings and doodles all over her neck and arms. She was pleasant enough, I told myself there's going to be some hot women inside, and I walked in the doors.
You turn a corner and there's a little seating area, then there's small round tables low to the ground, the big stage is straight ahead, bar to the right.
I have time to examine all of this because it looks like nobody's there. It's almost 8 at night, it's just after sunset, and as I look around I see that there's a few people at the bar, and I go to sit there too.
After what seems like an eternity, probably five minutes, the female bartender greets me. She was busy at the far end of the bar, where there's two girls sitting. They're both chowing down on some carry out. Neither of them look up or look over.
Bartender asks what I want, I get a rum and Coke. She's friendly enough but doesn't really engage. She pours my drink and walks back to the other two girls. I tipped her ten bucks hoping I would get good service.
But....nothing happens. The girls keep on eating, the bartender is eating too. Nobody is around me at all.
I sit there kind of confused like a dummy. I check my phone. I look left and right at the bar. I stare at the empty stage. I wonder if I should leave or what. I stare at the two girls at the end of the bar. One is not attractive at all, let's leave it at that. The other one, she's really my type. A thin blonde, young, long hair, glasses. She would be a 9 or 10 if she hadn't inked herself up so much. But, I feel like I have to compromise here, so I think to myself, "Ok, when she comes by I will ask her if we can VIP."
She doesn't come by. She doesn't even look. I just sit there watching her eat her carry out. I think of the restaurants down the street and try to figure out which one it came from. These girls really put down the food. And as I watch after paying the cover and hoping for a good time, I am a mix of being repulsed and angry.
I don't remember the music, which means I tried to tune it out. It was all very uninspired, unoriginal music that they play at a lot of these clubs now. I am going slow with my drink and am getting really sad with the whole situation. I just wanted to see some strippers! I wanted to blow some money in a strip bar, treat the ladies nice, throw them some cash, watch them strip, and then go home satisfied knowing that I did the thing I love to do. Instead, I'm all alone at the bar holding a rum and Coke and feeling stupid.
Then some skinny guy with a buzz cut and in a white undershirt comes out of the darkness. He might have been sitting at one of the small tables, I don't know. He stands at the bar, right next to my blonde. Puts his arm around her shoulder, they seem to know each other. Bartender comes right up to him and gets him a drink. He drinks, he gets up, and then he comes back to the bar. I get the feeling he's a regular. At this point I am thinking, "I will NEVER be a regular here, I'm never coming back, this is so bad."
Then from beyond the end of the bar (there's more seating there, plus a hall to I guess where the girls dress and maybe access to the basement VIP, here comes a lady now. She's not attractive. At all. Like she should NOT be dressed how she is in lingerie! She has one of those sheer cover-ups thrown over her too, but it doesn't help. She's very overweight, probably too old to be stripping, not an attractive face. She is slowly making the walk down the bar and I think to myself, "Quick! Should I leave?"
But I still have hope. I don't leave. Dummy me! She comes and sits down right next to me. I don't even want to look up. I don't move. So she says hello first. And then shakes my hand and we start talking. I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to talk. She tells me her stage name and we talk a little about the club. I see that she has a red RASH all over her body, and it's really strong around her middle and there's bumps all over it. I am sooo GROSSED OUT by this.
The music continues. It's annoying and loud. The other ugly girl at the end of the bar goes on stage and dances for no one. Now, two men come out of a side hall near the entrance where I walked in. One is dressed like he's probably the manager. The two guys are talking to each other. Their arms are crossed. They are looking out at the club. And I wonder why these guys aren't asking how I'm doing, or trying to improve what's happening there. At this point, I'm just GROSSED OUT by the whole thing. Even the hot blonde with glasses, I am so mad that she couldn't be bothered to greet the only guy in the club. Well, besides her friend in the white t-shirt.
I talk to the rash woman and finish my drink and then I tell her to have a good night and I get up and leave. The men are still standing against the wall and they don't flinch or say anything. In the front lobby, the woman who took my money just a half hour earlier doesn't say a word to me. I walk out in the night and am glad to breathe the fresh air. I feel terrible about the whole thing.
This review needs a postscript. Here it is. I run a business and the more I think about it, the more I want to open a club myself. Because I would do everything different here. There is no imagination and no good business acumen here, I don't know what the deal is. And it's FRUSTRATING, because this place could be world class! It could definitely be the best in Cleveland based on its size and its location alone! I am a married suburban dude. So I am not going out alone to sketchy neighborhoods. I'm not going downtown alone either. A strip club out in the suburbs like this? PERFECT. And it's BIG! Rash Dancer told me that the VIP area is as big as the main floor (it's in the basement). There are so many hot women in that part of town. Why aren't any of them working there? In short, WHAT IS WRONG WITH CHRISTIE'S CABARET BRUNSWICK? I feel like they are really letting it slide.
If you don't want to take my word for it, just look at their social media. First of all the old Christie's Brunswick website is gone. You can get to the current cookie cutter page by going from the main Christie's Cabaret page. This is a chain of about a half dozen clubs throughout the country. Then look at the Brunswick Instagram....they actually use AI pictures of strippers! It's so bad. Facebook is gone. The one "real" photo of the club is taken worse than a drunken person with severe vision problems. It's just not done well. It looks stupid. I am really hoping this place gets a major management change, but I know that this is just hope on my part. And unless they try to make things better for me because of my terrible experience, I doubt I will ever go back. Please, someone, open a strip bar in that part of town that beats this place! Maybe that's what I need to do.....
