I've heard about places like this,...

I've heard about places like this, but never seen one. Now I have, and I'm sorry that I can say that.

Where to begin? The physical appearance of the club was almost beyond describing. You walk in and there's a bar to the left, a few tables to the right, and a door out the back for private dances. The smell was a cross between stale stench and pinesol. I particularly appreciated the old used cups and a bucket just sitting on the bar. But I'm from Ohio, so I can handle pretty gross stuff.

That was, until the dancer came over. The chain of events went like this: The 300 pound unkempt bouncer yells over to a girl sitting in the dark to get off her ass and talk to me. Nice. She comes over, and looks actually cute at first....then she smiled. Honey, I thought, you don't have all your teeth and you are way more drunk than I'll get tonight. She proceeded to rub me ever where she could fit her hand, but I found it difficult to raise to the occasion with those missing teeth and that stale smoke boozed up breath. She then felt it was necessary to tell me she had just had a baby and showed me her baby-fat stomach. Well, that's a turn on! Her final pitch was to try shifting me from second to third while promising anything I wanted for $40 a song. I was pretty sure she was good for it, but not good at it. I rated her a 2, not a 1, because she wasn't mean.