Weird. I’ll give them credit...

Weird. I’ll give them credit for trying to be different, but this place is weird. It starts with parking. There is no valet service, but they charge five bucks to park on the side of the building where the parking lot is attended. Since Pantera Topless Cabaret is in Maryvale, I figured that it’s worth the money.

After you clear the doorman’s weapon check and walk inside, the strangeness of the place hits hard. It looks like a restaurant, a sports bar, and a strip club occupying the same space at the same time. The tables are set up restaurant style. No surprise here since the place is open at 6AM for breakfast. In between the tables, there are three stages. Helium-filled balloons are everywhere, and they pop when they dangle too close to the table candles. There are at least a dozen TVs, including two big screens.

Between the candles and the TVs, there is enough white light in the room to show how…uh…er…vintage…the Saturday afternoon dancers were. These are women who you would barely glance at if you saw them fully clothed at the mall. When you get a dance from one of them, they take you to one of the two small benches against a wall. If other men are getting lap dances there is no room for you, so you have to go to the VIP area. VIP dances are only $15, though, and the couches are very comfortable. One nice thing about old dancers is that they know what you want, so I had a semi OK time on that Saturday in December.

I wasn’t going to ever go back, but on the Sunday when the AFC and NFC championship games were held I remembered all those TVs and decided to try the place out as a sports bar. I planted myself in front of the big screen farthest away from the main stage. My table had an ad for $3 Hennessy all day Sunday. The waitress told me that it was an error and no such special existed, but she didn’t remove the ad. When I rail tipped during commercial breaks, I saw that the dancers were acceptably pretty this time. Dancers stayed away from me until the Eagles had clearly toasted Atlanta, then a slim body named Deja took good care of me, lap dancing every once in a while for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

Pantera shined as a sports bar. The DJ was excellent at moving through different music styles seamlessly, and the TVs were visible from every angle. So, if you are looking for a sports bar with food and live entertainment, you’ll give this place a higher rating than I did. I doubt if I’ll be back.