I have to give this a...

I have to give this a five, but part of that is my fault. I went to this club at night. If you go to this club at night, you should be banned from strip clubs forever by reason of stupidity.

You find this club in a strip mall that seems like it's been ripped from Patpong and dropped down on Valley Blvd. An adult bookstore, a massage parlor, a bar, a minigrocer and a strip club. You park and walk in and promptly see a naked fat chick onstage. You sit down and let your eyes adjust. You look around and see that it's all fat chicks. Not the kind of fat chicks who picked precisely the wrong career, not the kind you'd find in Enid, Oklahoma. These are fat chicks who make give fat chicks a good name. They're hipping out, their thighs are overly large, their faces are a little round, but they're not gadawful pigs.

But the fact remains that you essentially just spent $15 to surround yourself with joyfully naked cellulite-laden girls. Ah, but there's that legendary lap dance area! you think. So you get one. You get another. You get three. After the final one you face the sad realization that you're not getting any. And that nights aren't the same as days. Not the same women, not the same game. Your hand gets moved from the cooch by two of three dancers, you feel just a little crushed by the largest of them, and you come to the conclusion that thin chicks actually have better skin, and you wonder whether it's diet. Then you realize that you're still getting the dance. Then you let your mind wander a little more. All this for $40, you think. You got better at the $20 topless dance at Hawaii Theatre.