Meditations of a Married Man III

About 18 months ago I went into a major depression. I’m talking about a physiological depression where your body doesn’t function properly. About the same time I threw out my back. This was a really bad combination. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t walk without major discomfort and I was riddled with anxiety. Life was unbearable. I now understand why people kill themselves. There were full days where I was terrified of how miserable I was.

I went to the doctor and told him I was having anxiety attacks. The first time I went he told me to do breathing exercises. I went back a month later and he prescribed me xanax. I hated that shit. It didn’t relax me. It just made me feel like I was in a coma. The misery went on and on.

Finally I found a good therapist. A woman in her late sixties. Take a moment and imagine this. Session after session I sat on that couch talking to her about strip clubs and my aging wife not doing it for me anymore. Meanwhile my wife’s almost 30 years younger than the therapist.

Pretty quickly she told me I should go on antidepressants. I went back to my doctor a third time and all of the sudden he was much more concerned. He asked me a bunch of questions including “how often do you have sex with your wife?” “and do you ever think about killing yourself?” Literally within an hour I was popping lexapro.

That shit takes 8 weeks to fully kick in and I was literally counting down the days everytime I took a pill which I took religiously at 4 pm everyday. It took a while. But lexapro was a miracle. I couldn’t even believe how much better I felt. Of course I was also going to therapy twice a week so exactly how much of getting out of the depression can be attributed to each I’m not sure. But within 8 weeks of taking the pill I was much improved.

One of the things we talked about in therapy was my back. I‘m still reasonably young and healthy so what the fuck was going on? The therapist recommended I read a book by a surgeon named Dr. Sarno. If you have back problems I really recommend looking this guy up. His main idea is that most back problems are the product of repressed anger. One of his patients came in and it turned out that after his wife had a kid she wasn’t as hot and didn’t fuck him as much. He was furious at her for not satisfying him. Of course this anger wasn’t fair or reasonable so he repressed it. Once he got in touch with his anger his back problems went away.

Oh shit! That wasn’t an exact match. But I certainly could identify. “How dare my wife age with time!!!!!” was the gist of my anger. Well that’s not the easiest thing to talk about.

Enter couples counseling. I was going to see this 65 year old woman once a week to talk about my sexual needs and frustrations and seeing her a second time with W where the main theme was going to strip clubs. I should clarify that I had stopped going to strip clubs at this point. So the topic of conversation was not my presently going to strip clubs but rather why I had gone in the past and how W felt about it.

W was not thrilled about it. As I said that shit is not easy to talk about. “Well W you don’t really do it for me sexually anymore so I need to hook up with young hotties. That way I feel more satisfied sexually and in control of my emotions. I also feel better physically in general. Occasionally I wonder if I would have been able to stick it out with you without the srip clubs. Just think of all the men who leave their wives for younger women.” That’s what I would have said if I was being candid. But since I want W to feel good not insulted and hurt and further since I don’t want to get divorced I did not say that.

I said, “I did it for us.” That pissed her off good. I said, “look this strengthens me and makes me more functional.” That also pissed her off good. But this time, the therapist said, “I think he’s beginning to tell you what you want to know.” I explained that going to scs helped me be the bold corporate lawyer i need to be. I explained that scs helped me manage my emotions.

My position gradually changed. Initially I was ashamed. The conversation was very much about how I knew that I shouldn’t have been going to the strip clubs and I was very sorry. But eventually I found myself say things to W like, “so what if I touch other women’s tits” I started to explain that the liklihood of me leaving her for a stripper was precisely 0% and that while I understand that they are human beings to me they are literally nothing but sex objects. Furthermore, I explained I’m pretty sure the average stripper would make a shitty partner for me.

In an individual session the therapist helped me think about how to explain to W that I want to continue going to strip clubs. “I’m very happy that we’re together. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I can’t commit to not going to strip clubs.” I don’t necessarily recommend saying that to your partner. But that shit worked. And we left it with her saying “just don’t let it get out of hand”. Now she left it vague which I’m grateful for because I’m not sure if we would agree on what getting out of hand means. Although I had described every sex act I engaged in in the scs and she didn’t tell me that any of it was strictly prohibited.

But that’s something I’ve recently realized. You can’t share everything in a marriage. Some things need to be private. You might not agree that entitles me to go to strip clubs. But it certainly entitles me to fantasize about other women while I fuck W without telling her or not sharing exactly how hot I think her friend is.

Does it make me an asshole to go strip clubs? I don’t think so. But it does make me less than perfect. That’s one of the things I’ve been working on. I’m not perfect. My marriage is not perfect. But I treat W pretty well overall. And I’m a pretty good partner overall.

Why do I go to strip clubs? Besides the obvious, its about my back. No more repression. I go to release the beast. Releasing the beast has become a major theme in my life.

One way I do this is working out. One of the big recommendations for dealing with a bad back is strengthening your core. Well, might as well strengthen everything else while you’re at it right? I sprained my neck years ago lifting so so I have to be careful. I was a stupid fucker who thought bench pressing 300 pounds was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Well I’m not sure it is. At least my body eventually decided that was not a reasonable thing to do.

So now I have to do all sorts of bullshit to prevent workout recovery from being too painful. Otherwise I get really bad headaches. One thing I’ve learned is that you can do up to 100 reps and its still strength training. There’s a continuam with 1 rep being all strength training and no endurance training and 100 reps being less strength training and mostly endurance. Anything in excess of 100 is all endurance. If you lift a weight that you can curl 100 times in good form you’re not likely to hurt yourself. I start at a weight I can move about 50 times and stay with that weight until I can do it 100 times. I actually find that this results in gains happening faster. Its amazing how fast 50 reps can turn into 100 and its time to increase the weight. I don’t experience plateus the way I did when I lifted for less reps.

Icing also helps a lot. Especially if you combine it with heat therapy. I’ve got ice packs and a heating pad. And then there’s massage. If you have sore muscles I highly recommend exploring machines available. I have a shiatsu neck massager that is amazing. And then there are AMPs. I tip very well and those girls work hard for me in return. They get in deep and yes a happy ending is made available. But the main reason I go is the massage.

Ultimately though I just deal with the headaches. And that’s the spirit in which I workout. I find the most aggressive music I can find, usually korn or tool and go for it. I go beyond being the obnoxious guy who grunts. 100 reps takes several minutes. I sit there as I do my set and say things like “Oh yeah! Don’t try to deny me bitch. I’ll cum in your asshole.” People look at me. But they usually look slightly scared or amused and don’t have anything to say to me. I don’t keep it at the gym. If you see a guy walking down the grocery store aisle talking to himself about crushing souls it might be me. The whole point is that my aggression and anger needs to be turned outwards not inwards and it works. I feel better.

So I’m a crazy fuck. But I am married, earn six figures and have no criminal record. Its precisely my willingness to let the beast out, to really own the beast and give him a voice, that got me out of my depression (with the help of lexapro), helps me stay married, (I fuck that pussy like a champion) and kill it at work ( i’m one of these guys who can “push back” which corporations want). Most importantly I don’t have back problems anymore and one set of crunches takes 10 minutes. I genuinely believe that strip clubs are part of my success.

I should mention that its important not to let the beast be the only part that’s in control. I don’t just rape and pillage all day.

A related reason I go to Strip Clubs is what I refer to as Hormone Therapy. Hormones can be adjusted. An extreme example of this is a type of fish that swims in schools of all females except one male. If the male dies the largest female fish starts acting male and eventually its ovaries become testes and it becomes male. There’s only one species we know of that can convert from being female to male. But there are multiple examples of species under which males convert to females.

Human beings can’t do this. But we can increase our testosterone levels by exercising and by being in the company of a beautiful woman. We can reduce our cortisol levels, which is what makes people feel stressed by looking at beautiful woman and further reduce them by having an orgasm. And we can increase our oxytocin levels , which makes us feel good,by cuddling with beautiful woman and by having sex. Testosterone increases in men when they are around beautiful women.

Why am I telling you guys all of this? Because I think this is part of the male experience and everyone of you will experience something like this at some point. Its a difficult thing getting older. Its a difficult thing staying in a relationship for a long time. The pussy gets old quick. Ten years you know the pussy so well the pusyy is just not exciting. And no woman stays young and hot forever.

So what to do? Leave your partner just so you can touch another woman? Personally I think that’s a stupid idea. My wife is the best thing in my life even though that ass doesn’t look like it used to. God bless sex workers. They are an aging married man’s secret sauce and secret way out of the marriage dilemma.

But this does not apply to me if I don’t get married you might say. The fact remains that as you get older age appropriate women don’t have the best pussys. You might not have much to say to a 21 year old girl though.