Strip Clubs, Better Sex and #MeToo

As seems to happen every 50 years or so in the western world, we seem to be at a cultural friction point, brought on by a variety of forces. The push and pull of people wanting to either capture or maintain societal power, be it through money or social capital, has intensified.

One way in which it has become undeniably part of the dialog has been with the movement to better understand a variety of issues, ranging from harassment to abuse of power, related to women and sex, generally summarized as #MeToo.

On the one hand, Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein and others have been exposed as largely abusing their status in order to make women around them uncomfortable for their own gratification. On the other, as cultural change brings fear and concern, particularly for those who have been in positions of power, so they've fought back, not only by electing Donald Trump as president, but also by essentially saying, "He's a misogynist? Good. Time for those ladies to shut up."

For the half of the population repulsed by such logic, and even the 20 percent that simply tolerated it to get a conservative high-court justice or lower taxes, that's both offensive and a pretty reprehensible disregard for other human beings. But what's also come to the fore as part of #MeToo has been a more-open discussion of sex, sexuality and the trials and tribulations far more women have faced than most men may have realized before.

As part of #MeToo, the Aziz Ansari story became a touchpoint. Ansari, for those unaware, had been one of the stronger comedic voices for female empowerment until he was accused of what is being broadly labeled as "sexual misconduct." As was related to the blog Babe.com (babe.net), a woman had an experience that couldn't necessarily be defined as rape or non-consent, but was clearly one in which she didn't feel like "no" was working as an answer, such that she felt she had no easy way out of engaging in sexual acts. Many women have reacted to the story by calling it painfully relatable.

The Ansari case study shed light on a number of sexual issues for women:

• The many feel as though they lose control over the speed at which friendship or dating turns sexual

• The fear many women feel about what they may be subjected to, be it socially, emotionally or physically, if they don't acquiesce to a man's advances

• The fact many women have had multiple male partners who have shown no regard for their well-being, much less their pleasure, during sex, but have just "gone through with it" to avoid their fears

In a 2015 article, Tucker Max outlined just how difficult it can be for women in such situations (thoughtcatalog.com). This pre-dated #MeToo by about two years. It describes the tug-of-war that goes on in many women's minds. Here are men: Hulking, physically imposing, sexually motivated, at least the alphas that are most apt to be aggressively pursuing women at bars and clubs. They can and should be feared. Yet, at the same time, the right one not only can give you a wonderful life but can also protect you from those other men.

Furthermore, it's not always clear how a man will approach sex, given its largely clandestine and taboo nature in western culture, from his public persona. Christian Grey is the consummate businessman by day, but wants you to be whipped by night. It's understandably confusing. The result: Women become confusing to men as well. Based on their own history and comfort with men, ranging from their fathers to any men who have been interested in them, they may take vastly different approaches to male interest.

Another article points out a telling statistic, however: 30 percent of women find vaginal sex painful (theweek.com). Let's expand that out: The standard act of satisfaction for men, which probably 70-80 percent of men find to be the most enjoyable experience in life, hurts for 30 percent of women. And that's merely the percentage of women who finds it painful. Including women who find sex unenjoyable or uncomfortable would add to that number, in addition to those who have been traumatized sexually or are either lesbian or asexual.

Consider, as well, that a man probably only finds a certain percentage of women attractive, and, in the end, for many men, there simply are not many women out there who want to have sex with them.

When viewed as supply (women willing to have sex) and demand (men who want sex), it begins to be less surprising that men use coercion and forcefulness, while having a general disregard for the comfort of women, when unchecked. We see these actions in any form of black market, like the drug trade, where transactions happen in dark shadows. Furthermore, due to the fears listed in outline form above, many women see no choice but to simply "lie back and take it" when in a bad position. This creates a vicious cycle, where fewer women want to be sexual, men engage in worse and worse acts, and so on.

In trying to get men to be more considerate about their actions, #MeToo has had the side-effect of trying to limit demand. A message is being rightly sent to men: If she doesn't want to, back off. Also, the movement seeks to raise the "price" of supply by encouraging "better sex," i.e. teaching men how to make sex more enjoyable for women, from flirtation to foreplay to orgasm (or at least how to make sex still be enjoyable without orgasm for one or the both involved). This raises the bar for men who want to have sex; for a certain type of woman who follows this logic, she's making it clear that she's only going to do it with you if you make it clear somehow that you will do it well and be mindful of her pleasure as well as yours, something many men simply don't do.

The result is something unique: People are doing it less. The Atlantic ran a piece in December that outlined the phenomenon (www.theatlantic.com). American men, often ill-taught when it comes to what a woman wants, aware of the potential damages of pursuing a woman in a way that might be seen as harassment and able to find an ample supply of masturbatory material online, are instead just relying on their smartphone and right hand for satisfaction. Women, meanwhile, are taking a stance outlined in the article:

“I’m 33, I’ve been dating forever, and, you know, women are better,” said one woman ... She hastened to add that men weren’t bad; in fact, she hated how anti-male the conversations around her had grown. Still, she and various platonic female friends—most of whom identified as straight—were starting to play roles in one another’s lives that they might not be playing if they had fulfilling romantic or sexual relationships.

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Given men's demand, and women's reluctance, this is where I wonder if strip clubs, as well as legal brothels, can come in: When demand is outstripping supply ... why not increase supply?

Strip clubs and prostitution, which are separate items (for the most part), have been stigmatized for nearly 60 years by western culture (www.youtube.com). A man who visits a strip club or a prostitute is often seen as shameful. If he is single, he is shamed for being unable to attract a woman without a direct transaction. If he is spoken for, he is seen as unfaithful.

So what do many of these men do? Express their desire with women in their lives who do not want their advances. Harassment. Unwanted advances. Not stopping at "No," either because they're so desperate that they don't want to hear "No" again or because they create fear that they'll cause worse problems (abuse, rape, etc.) if "No" keeps being all they hear.

What if, instead, there was an outlet for these men? A place where they could go to get sexually satisfied such that they could leave others alone? We kind of have it already: At the very least, the strip club. Perhaps moreso, the full spectrum of adult service "providers."

I sometimes wonder if we'd cure a lot of our sexual ills in this country if we simply destigmatized sex work.

Imagine, if we told American men: Listen, sex with real women is available to you, and with some damn fine looking ones, too.

It does come with a price to you, the customer, but we'd rather have you pay a few bucks to get it than create big psychological problems for the women in the world.

You would have to be safe about it by using protection during all acts and having regular testing for diseases done if you want to purchase services, but again, no shame in getting tested, as we'd rather know you're safe and want to give you help if something did happen by accident.

You would also have to be respectful of the person providing the services. No non-consensual hitting or abusing the providers, forcing them to do things they don't want to do, etc.

As long as you do that, and accordingly lay off abusing, harassing and coercing the women in your regular, day-to-day life who don't want to have sex with you — surely you can offer in traditional ways presented by dating and courtship, but if they're not interested, just let it go and know there's another way to get it — we're fine with you going out and buying it. We won't judge or prosecute if you go out and get it. We see the providers as offering a valuable service and will protect them accordingly. Any reported abuse or violence against them will be fully prosecuted. We also will not tolerate drug use by providers and their customers.

Granted, such a snap-of-the-fingers change in the morality of Americans is pie-in-the-sky at best. But why wouldn't it be better? Think about how many relationships fall apart because the man and woman involved get hung up on sex — one person cheated, one person wants to do something the other doesn't, the sex isn't good for one person, etc. How many of those relationships might survive if sex is seen as something separate? "I love Bob. He's a hard-worker, he provides for the family and he's there when I need him. There's only two nights a week I don't see him: He bowls Tuesdays and he goes to get his rocks off Thursdays. But he comes home from both really happy, particularly if he scores over 200 or if Tina's in, so it's a good balance."

Maybe some of these providers can even teach men to be better — better in bed, better emotionally, better at understanding the women in their lives, better on the whole. Given how little teaching we've given to men in these areas, it feels like this is even a needed service.

And yet, we shame the women who offer and the men who procure.

I could easily see a scenario where I became one of the bad guys. I was raised in a house where there was very little love and a lot of verbal abuse. I was told little about sex; only that it was "bad." I can see a scenario where frustration with not understanding what to do with my libido or understanding why I kept hearing "No" when I asked girls out could have turned into a fit of rage in which some woman in my life, scared, capitulated, thus reinforcing the habit. I sometimes wonder if this is what happens for certain men, which is what turns them into "the problem."

Thankfully, for me, that never happened. But it's also worth noting that, at 21, I had my first experience with a naked woman in a strip club and have clubbed most of my adult life. If sex wasn't on the table ... no big deal, I'll just go to the club. No, that's not something I ever said to anyone. I knew I had to keep it a secret, sure, especially from the family members who would have seen it as astoundingly amoral. But I wonder how many men out there could have, and would have, avoided problems if they weren't convinced going and doing this thing we talk about on this site wasn't so wrong.

We're only hard-wired as humans to do a few things: Breathe, eat when we're hungry, sleep when we're tired and have sex to procreate. We've figured out how to take the procreation out of the picture and just have sex because we're wired to enjoy it. Men were seemingly made to enjoy it more than women. Why do we fight this thing we're programmed to do? Why do we see it as so wrong? We glorify food. We love breathing fresh air. Nothing feels better than a good night of sleep. And yet, if we pursue the exchange of money for sex, we're prosecuted. It doesn't make sense to me.

There are too many people, and too many things built upon the repression, for it to ever change, unfortunately. But when we examine the "why" and see the issues, maybe it can get us thinking about gradually moving towards acceptance. All we can do is try.